10/29/2007

Checking In

Had a wonderfully refreshing time at the Women of Faith conference. God swooped down in His inimitable style and made the sessions speak directly to my heart. Dr. Henry Cloud was awesome. He is so gentle, but his truths were like little explosions going off in my head. I found myself saying over and over, "Yes, that's me!" I bought his books about dreams, which he taught from for the conference and the DVDs, which I never do. Can't wait to delve back into what he said.

Had to postpone PA for a day. My medicine didn't come in so I have to wait til Tuesday to leave. Probably not a bad thing. I was very sick Sunday to Tuesday, travelled all day Wednesday and Thursday, came home late Saturday night so I probably needed a little rest.

My brother sounded weary on the phone last night even though he's only had Daddy since Wednesday. He told me I needed to come for him Friday which means I'll be cutting my trip to PA short and ensures that I really do have to come back home and not runaway for good.

Gotta go. Just wanted to take a minute to say, "Hi." Off to wash clothes and re-pack. Thanks for all the love and support. I can use all you can spare!

10/17/2007

Where Are You?

Sorry! I've been so immersed in book editing and Daddy sitting I haven't been doing much else. I'm home now, but next Wednesday the whirlwind begins again. I leave for Richmond Wednesday, mid-morning. Thursday I head to Charlotte. Come home Saturday. Leave for Pennsylvania Monday and I really don't know when I'll be home. Daddy will be with my brother all that time.

My personal life--I don't know what's happening to me. I'm changing. I can't keep up with who I am and what I'm becoming. I just know my personality is changing like it should have during puberty and never did. I'm irritable and I have never been that way. I have extreme highs and lows--worse than what is normal for me. My sensitivity is off the scale.

I've fallen in love with the most wonderful man and I seem to sabotage the relationship at every turn, almost like I'm trying to make him see reasons NOT to love me. I do things I know are going to make him get mad at me. Then we have to be apart for a few weeks so we can regroup and that is utter misery. I get lonely, depressed and even more sensitive and irritable.

I've started having panic attacks. I break out in massive sweats, my heart pounds, and I feel like I'm suffocating. I've al;ways been strong and in control. This is not like me. I miss my Mom worse now than I did when she first died. I cry more, too. Daddy misses her, too. he's becoming more and more wound into his own world. The pressure of explaining to him for the fortieth time who I am is beginning to wear thin. I want him to know me. I want him to recognize me. I want him to eat the food I prepare for him instread of telling me he'd rather have a cheeseburger from McDonalds.

The two years I have to prepare for my life as a single woman are slipping away quickly. I have no job. My book is not finished, much less published and my brother told me the other day I wouldn't be able to live on the inheritance from Daddy so I may have to consider staying in this awful marriage and moving from this city I love. I think I'll explode if I have to do that!

My dear siesta, Kathy asked, "Where are you?" Frankly, I don't know and I'm not sure I care. God's keeping up with me because I am incapable--more so than ever before. That's a good thing.

10/08/2007

The Son Shines Through

So excited! Headed for The Cove for my bi-annual rest-and-relaxation-in-the-mountains-retreat. I'm off to hear Joe Stowell, a wonderful speaker and writer. PLUS, I'll be staying some extra days to work on the editing of the book and just be by myself.

Daddy will be with my brother. Last night he said he wanted to stay at home and wait for me. O course, that's out of the question. He said, "What if you don't come back? How will I get back here?" I didn't have the heart to tell him if the Lord decided to take me home, he would have to live with my brother. I said, "Daddy, you know as well as I do the Lord is going to take care of me." He was satisfied with that--I think.

When I come home, I'll have dinner with my best friend and the next day I'm off to the State Fair and the Mercy Me concert. I'm looking forward to that, as well. I've seen them in concert several times. They are awesome. If you're not familiar with their music, you should get a CD. Your life will never be the same.

Our church is still without a pastor and young folks are leaving by the droves. Those of us left have to fill in the gaps. I'm now on the Preschool committee (not my real love in life) and chairman of the publicity committee and I've been asked to be narrator of our Christmas production (again, out of my comfort zone)--these are new positions added to the ones I'm already on. God has something in store for our church. I have no idea what, but we're all being worked very hard.

Out on the ocean yesterday. The fall makes everything look different even though it was 90 degrees yesterday. You could see the humidty because of the sun's angle. Same with our lives. The Son's angle reveals the particles of our lives that make it hard to breathe and live. They're always there, we just can't see them unless the Light shines just right--and we're willing to look.

Then, the sun shone on the water and it was like millions of diamonds sparkling and shimmering in the fall light. Again, the Son can make the most simple of people, nothing seems to be special about them, and turn them into sparkling diamonds, bringing beauty to the mundane. Awesome!

It's so good to hear from you all again. I love each of you and I cannot wait to meet face-to-face someday. Gotta go get ready for this next adventure. Pray for me as I go today. I know you will.

9/30/2007

Not Alright, but Headed in that Direction

Sorry I've neglected to post. What a crazy summer which is really a microcosm of my crazy life.

My Gramma died two weeks ago yesterday. As I had mentioned in earlier posts she was 102 9/12. She lived a long life, I'm not sure it qualified as a good life. I don't think she would have either. The man of her "dreams," aka my grandfather, was an alcoholic. Need I elaborate? She's in Heaven now so all is well in her world.

Saw my younger brother at the funeral. He did not speak to me or my other brother, but it's okay. I spoke, but I can't make him like me. Relatives aren't always friend material. My sister said three words, "You brought daddy." Well, of course I brought Daddy. He was only married to Gramma's daughter 61 years.

Harvest House, who was the publisher looking at my book, took way too long to give me a refusal. I'm disappointed, but life goes on. I've sent a query to another publisher and when I'm through with the editing, I'm going to throw myself into finding someone or something to publish this baby! Finishing the book was awesome! I cannot explain how I felt, but it was an emotional experience to say the least.

Please continue to pray that God will see fit to get this thing published, readers' lives will be changed as they see the danger in "playng" Christian, and will be more vigilent when their churches need to choose a man for their leader/pastor.

The woman I was trying to help out this summer bowed out of doing the Beth Moore study (boo/hiss), but I am still trying to counsel her about life in general. I don't think she ever really got the whole "relate to people" thing, but she's catching on.

My husband and I separated--which is a good thing. We still talk, in fact, more than we ever did as a married couple, but the burden on my shoulders feels a ton lighter since that whole thing took place. He'll be moving about eight hours away from here.

My Daddy? Well, he declines a bit everday. He's getting a little more demanding as he gets comfortable with living here, and his mind is not completely mush, but it is like soggy Corn Flakes. He doesn't get up from his chair except to go to the bathroom--which he is now completely and utterly obssessed with--and I think he prays everyday for the Lord to take him to Momma. He might have better results if he asked for Him to come get him so he could be with Jesus--just a thought.

Got several trips planned for this upcoming October--I get wanderlust in the fall--including the Women of Faith conference, a seminar to hear Joeseph Stowell and a trip to Pennsylvania to see some dear friends. Daddy will be staying with my brother in Richmond. It'll be good for us to be apart for awhile.

People have been asking me if I'm alright. The answer is, "No," but I will be. My uncle died March 20, Momma died March 23, I sold, gave away or threw away everything she ever owned in about a six week span of time, sold Momma and Daddy's house, got bills paid, hired workmen to get the house ready to sell, moved Daddy in with me, my husband and I parted ways, my Gramma died September 15 and I got my first ever credit card--NO! I'm not okay--but I will be. I'm a child of the King. I will be all right.

8/20/2007

The Time Is Now

Praise the Lord! A well timed Sunday message and some time together, proved fruitful. Yesterday my friend and I worked out our differences and reconciled! Whew! I'm a sap, I admit it. I love happy endings.

Time marches on. It's amazing when you stop to think about it. No matter how happy the day or how tragic. No matter what happens in our lives, no matter who comes or who goes, who lives, who dies, what diagnosis we are given, what pains are thrown into our laps,we may change, but Time never does.

Time doesn't stop to wait for us to catch up. It never turns around to see if we're keeping up. It doesn't change its course for the rich or poor. It doesn't stop for us even when we beg it to. Time waits for no man. We cannot turn it back. We cannot take back the seconds that slip away, imperceptible when ticking away one at a Time, but accumulated they become a lifetime.

Time is eternal. It is forever. It knows every man, woman and child ever born. It counts the tides, it numbers the sunsets. Time is important--what we do with our Time, how we throw our Time away, how we give our Time to God--or not. For every one born, once the Time clock begins there is never any turning back. You are an eternal being because Time has placed its mark on you.

Time becomes most important in eternity after your last earthly breath is taken. How will your Time be spent? Time has become forever. Will you be with God for all of Time or in hell begging for a drop of water to sooth your thirsty soul. Begging for all of Time, but you see, even in eternity, Time never looks back. Once the threshold has been crossed and you have stepped over the timeline into eternal Time, Time does not hand out seconds--no second chances, no extra seconds to make the right decision. So you see, there really is no Time like the present to make the Time to give Jesus your heart. The Time is now.

8/17/2007

Perceptions of a Lab Puppy

I realized this morning that our experinces in life skew our perception of reality. That's why we are all so different. That's why things we are say or do are so grossly misinterpreted sometimes. I have a friend who has so twisted my intentions and things I have said that I can't be myself around this person. That's sad.

If I had to compare my personality to something, I would guess I'm closest to a Labrador Retriever puppy. I have a zest and exuberance for life, I love to play and I love praise from my Master. I get along with everybody and I rarely growl--I never bite. I show what I'm feeling with a good strong "wag of my tail." I like to be petted and I pet back. I show affection easily and readily and sometimes I run too hard in the house, bumping into things, occasionally breaking something.

This friend thinks I'm a conniver and needy. Those are two words I would never in a million years ascribe to myself. I am going through a rough time right now and have asked for some moral support, but I don't really consider that needy. I consider that good friendship. Perceptions.

Lately I have detected a huge change in the person's attitude. I am extremely sensitive to people's feelings. I can usually tell what people are thinking when they themselves might not know. People are always asking me, "How did you know what I was thinking?" A gift? Maybe. Sometimes I'd rather not know. Like now. I knew I had said something wrong. My friend went from calling me everyday to ignoring me when I would call. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out there's something wrong. I called more than usual and left messages more than usual to try and talk things through. Finally, we talked and what my friend perceived I had done and what I had done were not even close. It's all about perceptions. Then because I had called so much, she got mad that I had called so much. Well, if one would answer the phone the first time one is called then one other wouldn't have to leave so many messages. Makes sense to me. Perceptions.

I have a tendency to give people gifts, do things for them, wear colors and things they like--I kinda thought that's what relationships were built on. I try to do things that please and I have no ulterior motive. I like to say things that build people up and make them feel good about themselves. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Edify people? This friend has totally misconstrued my attempts to please as being clingy and weak! Oh for heaven's sake when did doing things for people become a crime? If someone tells me blue looks good on me, then I'll wear blue around that person more often than not. I don't consider it clingy to try to please someone you care about. Perceptions.

I hate to see our friendship come to an end, but I'm Easy Like Sunday Morning. I don't like messy, complicated, friendships where each word has to be carefully weighed and I'm always worried about offending. I like to be able to show my exuberance for you without misinterpretation. I like to give you things and have my gifts accepted without your thinking there is an ulterior motive behind the act. I like to be accepted for who I am, warts and all with the understanding that I will do the same for you. I like for love to flow freely and naturally and if it bubbles to the surface of my mouth, let me say it without any obligation on your part to say it back. I like to show my excitement when I'm with you. Perceptions.

The lab puppy in me is fiercely loyal, desiring to please, not easily offended, but when offended I put my tail between my legs for awhile, then later try to poke your hand with my nose to get you to pet me once again, will chase sticks and bring them back to you all day to gain your approval and love the water.

The motivation to manipulate, connive and deceive are foreign to me. They involve complicated thought processes and the desire to hurt people because you want them to do and act as you want them to, not as they are. I'm honest, transparent and simple.

I think because of my friends' past experiences, she can't accept my love and friendship without believing every thing I do and say has an ulterior motive. Perceptions skewed by past experience gives everyone a different perspective on reality. Life is full of what is perceived to be. Accepting people is part of your perception of who they are.

If you perceive that someone is gruff, then you might avoid them. But if you let the reality come to you just at face value, you may find out that person has been hurt and walls have been put up, but they are really dying for love and affection. Their perception of your intent has been skewed by their own reality.

Every relationship comes with different perceptions and a different reality. Relationships work best when no one is trying to force their reality onto you. It doesn't work, because your experiences haven't been the same and that makes what you perceive so very different than me.

Empathy, understanding, insight, wisdom, the ability to see more than one perspective, placing value in differences, gaining knowledge when you allow yourself to enter another's reality, if only for a short while, learning from another 's opinion while being confident enough in your own to not be swayed when it's important, though not stubbornly refusing to change, because, you never know, your reality of what doesn't need to be changed may be off-centered because of your past experience. Perceptions.

8/16/2007

Rambling

I'm up early this morning. I can't sleep during these final chapters of the book. I don't know about other writers, but for me, this is the hardest place in a book's life to see to fruition. The beginning is easy. I get an idea and start putting the words on paper. The middle is basically a fleshing out of the original idea, but the end. The end is the culmination of all the months, and in my case years, of working on a story. The end has to tie all the ideas together and make the reader sigh with contentment. It's a tragedy, indeed, to read a book and think, "What an awful ending." I'm now on page 295--not that pages are that important, but again, too long and the book begins to drag, readers become bored and don't finish the book and then they don't want to read anymore books by the boring author!

The Bible study went well on Monday. Unlike me, some people just don't show emotion. I'm one of those people who dance and sing when I'm happy, I tell people what I think when I love them, I'm extremely transparent. I think my friend has a bit of a problem showing her emotions, but we're working on it. She smiles some now, which is a very good thing. I asked her if she liked the study and Beth Moore and she just sadi, "Yeah." Of course, if you're new to Bible study with Ms. Moore, and she is, Beth can be overwhelming. She speaks my language of excitement and raw energy, though, so for me, I was in my element the first time I heard her.

Gramma is still hanging on to life. I find it incredible. No food to speak of. Pain medicine and no other, yet she refuses to stop breathing. What a constitution! I hope those genes have been passed on to moi.

I got a call from my Daddy's brother yesterday. My aunt is going to have surgery tomorrow and they give her a 50/50 chance of surviving. This is not an extremely good time to be one of my relatives.

Daddy seems to be slipping some physically. He sleeps sound during the day. I can walk in and he doesn't even stir. It's a little disconcerting. My heart stops while I check to make sure he's breathing. He's more breathless when he stirs. He's eating okay. He eats the same exact thing for breakfast, corn flakes with milk and Mtn Dew. Then during the day he snacks on chocolate-covered graham crackers. For supper he has one of three things: A double cheese burger, plain, from MickeyD's, a roast beef from Arby's or a hot dog from Chez Ma Casa. His taste buds must have gone into permanent hibernation.

He's not wandering around so much anymore. Thank You, Dear Jesus. He complains about the noise we make in the morning in the kitchen. Now, you have to realize, his bedroom is right off the kitchen and he sleeps til 10:30 and 11:00 in the morning. I try to be quiet, but...well, let's just say I try.

A friend of my mothers sent me a memorandum from a national bridge players book yesterday. I had another good cry. They are becoming less frequent now, but the last few days the hole in my heart left from her departure is huge. Just when I think it's closing, I look down and see fresh blood oozing from the wound. Death is a painful reminder that we are a long way from home, aliens in this land with a job to do until we are united once and for all with our Christ.

Sometimes I'm reminded of salmon. There are a lot of us swimming the same way on a journey for the good of the species and yet we are so all alone in the direction our one path takes. Only one fish can occupy one space at any given time. His ultimate goal, nay, responsibility? To lay down his one life for the survival of the many. It's all about sacrifice. Jesus paid it all so should we.

Gotta go. Gotta get back to the grindstone.

Peace be to you all who happen across this path during your ramblings here on earth. Welcome. Enjoy the journey. I pray your stay freshened you, encouraged you and you maybe had a chance to take a detour to get a bite of Bread. So now you leave energized and ready for the next adventure. Godspeed, Mon Amis!

8/13/2007

My Trash, Someone Else's Treasure

Okay, Girls, God is using me once again to minister through my past mistakes which have led to current hurts. This time it is through my marriage experiences. I have prayed for this for years and now--my prayers are becoming reality.

My marriage has been loveless and one of convenience. I stay in it because I need the finances. My husband stays because he doesn't want to lose finances through divorce. He is not a Christian. He has been physically , verbally and emotionally abusive our entire marriage. The physical abuse stopped when he got too old to throw me to the floor. The verbal and emotional stuff still continues, but God has buffered my heart to the jabs. I no longer let him drill holes into my heart where self-esteem escaped like steam from a boiling pot.

Anyway, two dear friends of mine are having marital difficulty. They each have opened up to me and confided to me things about their spouses and their marriage they haven't told others or each other. It's amazing to me how they think they don't know each other very well, yet they have both been on-the-nose about how the other acts. Neither has much empathy for the others' reactions, though. I've been asking God to show me how to help them. I believe their marriage is salvageable. Yesterday, I talked to the female portion of the marriage for over three hours--a lot of it was about her marriage which just celebrated its 35th year. She talked and I took mental notes.

The Holy Spirit prompted me to ask her about doing a Bible study together. She said, "Great." I asked her which one. She had no clue so I suggested Beth Moore's Breaking Free. She said, "Fine." I asked, "When." Again she was speechless so I suggested tomorrow (which is today). She agreed! Awesome. I'm taking two study books with me over to her house today at 11:00am and we are going to embark on this study together. I'm so excited God is using me this way. I'm bursting at the seams.

This woman has a lot of bitterness and apathy, but she's given herself over to God. Now her softening heart is receiving words from Him to let go of her grip on her marriage and to take hold of Him with a firm grip. She's working on it. She's ripe for this study, open to change. Pray for us, Siestas, as we embark on this spiritual journey. I have done this study before, but it certainly won't hurt to rekindle the truths found within the pages.

Now it is becoming crystal clear why I wasn't to direct the Christmas drama. I thought it had everything to do with the book, but that was only a small portion. There is a drama that has been thrown into my lap and it wasn't created out of someone's mind as a work of fiction to be performed. It is real, the characters are real and the ending is yet to be written.

8/11/2007

Final Jeopardy!

Well, I guess you don't live 102 1/2 years to give up when everyone else expects you to. My Gramma was expected to die Thursday. They called all the family in to say their last good-byes, but her stubborn will and tenacity have precluded death. Gramma is taking morphine and nothing else. She has two infections, one in her mouth and the other of unknown origin yet she lives. Everyone keeps asking what God has in mind when He lets her live in such a painful, miserable state. Another question that won't be answered until we see Him face-to-face. I keep thinking, "Children obey your parents so that you may live long in the land." She must have been an extremely obedient child!

Daddy is status quo. He is eating, sitting in his chair and when I come to my study to write, he peeps his head in the door to see if I'm here. That's the only time he gets up which is funny because that's the only time I ask everyone to leave me in solitude.

I've made a big decision that left me sad, but clearly God has led me to make. I direct the church's Christmas drama every year. This week, about two weeks later than usual, I went in to look over the musicals to see which one I would do. This year, I am not to direct. I am to focus all my energy on my Daddy and getting this book published. It's sad because I enjoy it and the community expects it, but right now there is a bigger task at hand. The drama takes a lot out of me. I've ended up in the hospital twice while directing and I usually lose about 10-12 pounds. Plus, when I direct, I can focus on nothing else. My book would have to lay dorment until April when I recover and feel creative again. That just can't happen. I'm into the story of the book and I can't afford to lose it. Others in the church will have to draw together and direct, more than likely part of His plan. To show them they can do it.

That said, the book is slowly drawing to a close. The principle characters are in place now for a final showdown of sorts. I'm on page 251 so I better wrap it up soon or I'll have a War and Peace on my hands. I pumped out about twenty pages today. Thank You, Lord!

Seeking, searching, discovering, coming up empty, starting over, broken hearts, sorrow, excitement, joy, peace, confusion, disappointment, relief, laughter, tears, grief, loss, rest, mountain-tops, valleys and ravines--What are the emotions in the day and life of Jesus Girl!

Well, time to get Daddy his bath. He reminds me of a cat not wanting to get wet.

I love you guys and I cannot begin to express how deeply the comments and encouragement you give mean to me. My heart skips a beat when I see I have a comment from one of you. A special love and warmth to K, my new soul mate and confidante. Love to you, Siesta!

8/09/2007

A Glimpse into the Known

You have to watch this little girl! Amazing! And the little childern shall lead them.

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=9e7c4b40cf5a13cea6ca

Gotta call from my Momma's brother tonight. My Gramma is very sick in the hospital. They aren't expecting her to live more than a day or two. She'll be united with her husband and four children, including my Momma. It's been a good 102 years for her. I know she's ready to go home, though.

Tonight while sitting with Daddy in the den trying to watch a little TV he started telling me about how he met his wife (my Momma). Then my husband walked through and my Daddy asked, "How old did you say your Grandaddy is?" He was talking about my husband. Sometimes living with Daddy is such a hoot! He makes me laugh so hard! He laughed with me even though he didn't know why he was laughing which of course made me laugh harder! It's times like these that remind me why and how I can face another day. I saw some of my real Daddy in those eyes tonight. I made hamburgers and corn on the cob. He ate every bite, plus chips. Bravo!

Where does the mind wander off to? What makes it leave the reality of this life for someplace else? Have your experiences and the people you came to know been such disappointments to you that you decided to let them go for your own version of truth or did some interloper barge in, uninvited to steal your senses, confounding you? What takes away the simplicity of remembering the things you were good at? What is it that blocks the way for you to add and subtract simple numbers when math was your best subject? Now? Now you have a hard time knowing the difference between five dollars and five thousand.

Yet tucked away in the recesses of gray matter, particles float in and out of the realm of your grasp. A bit of history. Your wife, whose name you can no longer remember, but you know exactly where you were when you met. My Gramma you know was a good woman, but you don't remember going to visit with her a few weeks ago. What a bizarre design on this puzzle.

I love you, Daddy and I miss you most days. It was good to visit with you today. It was good to see you through those windows to the soul and know somewhere deep in the abyss my Daddy still exist.

Thank You, Lord, for the opportunity. What a sweet balm to my worn soul. You always do know best. You?...well, no words can give justice to Your goodness, so I'll just say, "Good night and thank You."

8/08/2007

Wild!

My husband says I've changed since my Daddy moved in and I guess he's right. I know I'm much quieter now. I'm not so wide-eyed and innocent. Taking care of Daddy is stripping that part of me away. It's taken me awhile to finally grow up. I suppose it happens to the best of us. I kinda like being Peter Pan, though. I'm gonna miss that portion of me. It's something I can never get back, never go to again. Like when you find out for the first time there really is no Santa Claus. Hard as you try to still believe, you just can't. Bye, Peter.



Other, more trivial things, are taking some adjustment, too. Daddy has a tendency to tell me what to do, scold me for going to the movie all the time, turn off the TV because he doesn't want to watch "that junk" even though me or my daughter or both of us might me in the room watching said "junk," show me how to rinse out the dishes before loading them into the dishwasher (I've been married for 17 years!), discipline my sixteen year old human child and my three dog children--they are now leary of his every move, etc.



The little girl in me winces when he scolds, bows down in obedience at his commands, does as told without question, however, the married adult, mother of one resents the intrusion. My home is MY home. I don't need a stranger-and he is a stranger- coming in to tell me how to run things.



And, at the same time he's telling me about what I'm doing wrong, he needs help getting dressed after a shower (which I have to insist he take), he has to be reminded when to eat, reminded that he likes hamburgers, explain what a hamburger is, he has to be shown which way to bed and bath, he has to have the phone answered for him, his checkbook is now my responsibility, and told twenty times a day what my Momma's name was. It's wild!



I'm anxious, too, because I haven't heard back from the publisher. My writing has come to a stand-still. I sat down to the computer last week and it was awful. I didn't know the style of that person's writing at all. I haven't had the urge to try anymore. Even blogging has become stifled and hard.

I just flat out miss my Mom. I called her about everything and now I don't have her. And, to be honest, Daddy being here is a moment-by-moment reminder that she's gone. I would've gone over to talk out my feelings of rejection and discouragement where the book is concerned. She would have talked me through it. Daddy would not have been an issue. In fact, I would have been talking her through some of what she expeerienced with him. Peter. Where is Peter when I need him? I need to fly away to Never Land.

My house is clean though. I'm a terrible housekeeper, but avoiding Daddy has led me to clean. I've been a cleaning engine. It's wild! I got up to go to bed last night and started cleaning my bathroom. My daughter said in astonishment, "What are you doing?" She had never experienced seeing her Mom clean just to clean. No company coming. No reason. Just to clean. Miracles never cease! Wild!

Daddy has started wandering. That is a grave concern to me. What if he goes out into the garage at night and I don't hear him? He would smother. So far, he just wanders into my bedroom about 1:30am looking for Momma. Wild! He asks me to get up and help her because he hears her screaming. Can't explain to him that she's not screaming where she is.

Got a call this morning. My Gramma (102 8/12's) is in the hospital getting potassium and blood transfusions. What are these people thinking? She's tired. She has no idea where she is. She hurts from arthritis. She has to wear a diaper for Pete's sake. Why don't they let her go peacefully? Wild!

I know this book has satan's ire up. My friend, Hope, told me to watch out because he would be angry at the things I'm writing in this book. He is after me with all he's got. No holds barred. Every one of my weaknesses are being attacked. The self-doubt, the fear, the confusion, my marriage--all of it. An attack on every single weakness. I can't think of one that is not under attack.

I will get this book finished. I will get it out there. I will find a publisher. God has sent me on this mission and I will fight for it to the finish! I am in the King's army and I am a soldier of the Cross. He will give me strength. I will endure. I am His and He is mine and together will we scale this mountain--a difficult climb! Wild!

8/04/2007

Christ Is The Matter

Darkness is nothing more than a place where it's hard to find your way. Thankfully, I don't have to. I have The Way and He can see fine. He is The Light. His beam shines bright through the dismal dark of ebony nothingness showing me the path that at times seems so elusive.

I took my eyes off my Dear Savior and looked instead at my surroundings. What I saw, like Peter, gave me cause for panic. And I took the bait from the fisherman of the deep where people drown and for several days he has been dragging me under.

But in His inimitable style, Christ threw out the life raft and said, "I won't make you get in, but here it is. When you're ready, I'll take you, and this vessel, to safety."

I'm in. Tired, with muscles unable to support me because of the fatigue I got from fighting to keep my head above water, but safe. I'm lying here now letting Him tow me to shore. The burden is His. That's where it belongs. He is where I belong.

Despair is no place for a Christian. People see us there and it hurts our testimony. We are Ambassadors for Christ. The Place of Despair is like any other bar or hangout. It's a place to drown ourselves in self-pity, self-loathing, guilt, sorrow, you name it. And that old cunning sea-dog, satan, he will gladly oblige us, holding our head under water until we fill our lungs with life-ending water.

No matter what befalls me, no matter who tries to hurt me or get me down, no matter what, it is exactly that--No matter! Christ is The Matter. Like a shroud covering my face trying to smother breath out of me, despair tried to take my life and spirit, but my Savior came in with His Sword and ripped the shroud into pieces, giving me a place to push my head through so I could take a deep, long breath of Life.

Thank You, Lord, for my siestas who have diligently lifted my name, my hurts, my life up to You. Thank You for answering them in such a timely manner! You are my All in All.

Thank You, girls, for all the hard work. I know sometimes prayer and burdens for others can be taxing, especially when you have great needs of your own. I love you all. Christ is The Matter that holds us together, Amen? Yes, and Amen!

7/31/2007

Because He Loves Me, I Love, Too

Today was the day. We closed on the house, we have the check and that's it. Over. That chapter is closed for good and a whole new chapter has been started. I don't think I ever want to read this book again, though. Been a tough two days.

I am okay. I haven't written for a couple of days because I've been so busy. The folks buying the house discovered the garbage disposal didn't work--had to replace it--today. I gave the freezer-a monstrosity--to some neighbors for their church. Trying to get it out of the room it was in was--well--an experience. Momma and Daddy must have built the house around the freezer.

The auction people left a disastrous mess in the house in every room. I got there this morning at 7:00am and I left at 4:00pm--cleaning up their mess. And after they promised everything would be gone I had to go back through Momma's stuff 'cause they left a ton of it.

Why, Father, why? Why must we experience such pain? Why must we go through such hurtful wrenching away? I lay awake at night thinking I don't ever want to love anyone again. It's too painful. Death is a bitter pill to swallow.

Tell me, Child.

I am. I'm telling You I don't like it. It makes me so sad. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm tired. It wasn't supposed to be this way!

How was it supposed to be?

I was supposed to die first. That was the way everyone thought it would be.

Not me.

But why didn't You prepare me?

So you would worry?

No, so I would be ready.

You can never be ready for Death. It has its own sting.

Lord, I'm angry. I feel guilty. I feel alone.

Be angry at Sin. Guilty? You did not decide your Momma's last breath--that was Me. You are never alone.

Then why have You let go of me? I know You're there, but I can't feel Your hands around me anymore, holding me. Why have You let go? This is when I need You most!

You're teetering, Child, because you haven't fully developed those muscles. You are building strength you never would have known. Your faith is much deeper now. You rely on Me more than even you recognize. It's become your nature. That is the intent.

You can relax. Feel your feet beneath you. Don't struggle so much. I will not let you fall. I have you. You can trust Me.

How can I know?

Because I tell you. Recall the scriptures you have so diligently placed in your heart. Remember the love I have for you. My plans are to prosper you not to harm you. My love endures forever. I sing over, Child, why would I want to harm you?

But why, why does it hurt so much? Why does it have to be this way?

My ways are not your ways. My thoughts are not your thoughts. There are some mysteries that cannot be revealed to you now. Today you see in part, one day, you will see the whole. Until that time, trust Me. Don't look to the left. Don't look to the right. Look straight into my face, Dear One, and there you will find Comfort.

Close your eyes now and rest your weary head. Give Me the burden to carry. Here, Mine is light...that's it, sleep, Child, I'm watching. I have your heart in
My hands. I will heal it. I will mend it. You were meant to love.

Rest now and in the morning, My mercies will be new and you will be free to love again.

7/27/2007

He Is The Reason

I used to listen to John Denver. I don't know if he wrote this song, but he sang it on one of his albums--yes, the vinyl kind!

"Some days are diamonds, some days are stone. Sometimes the hard life won't leave me alone. Sometimes a cold wind blows a chill in my bones. Well, some days are diamonds and some days are stone."

There are seasons of our life that are just so much harder to take than others. Before my Momma moved to Heaven, I didn't have an easy life (who does?), but it was nothing compared to now. I left Momma on March 22, a Thursday, I said, "I'll be back." Should never have said that. Should have gone back. I got home, she was doing relative well when I left, and I was exhausted. It was my ninth day of staying from 7 in the morning until 9 at night. I was looking after Daddy, running him back and forth to the hospital--I didn't go back.

At 7:05am Friday morning, the doctor called. He said, "Your Momma took a turn for the worse last night."

My reply, "So you had to move her to ICU?"

"No," and you know my head knew what he was going to say and already my heart was beginning to stop, "we tried to revive her, but we weren't successful."

I asked, "What do you mean?" I knew very well what he meant. I guess I just needed to hear him say it.

"Your Mom didn't make it. She passed away about 5:20 this morning."

I dropped the phone, screaming as it clattered to the floor.

My life was turned upside down. One minute I was living in North America, right-side up and the next thing I know, I'm in Australia where even the water goes down the drain the wrong way. Saturday I was in the church office deciding what music I wanted played at my Mom's Celebration Service. I couldn't believe it. Sunday, the day of her service, I had relatives asking me about a trust fund, who was in charge of the money for my Gramma's funeral and what pieces of my Momma's furnishings they would like to have.

Monday my Daddy instructed me to get all of Momma's stuff out, he wanted to sell the house. We started looking at places for him to live, but in the four months since Momma moved, Daddy's failing mind made it impossible for him to move anywhere but a nursing home or in with me. I chose "in with me."

Now, Daddy is here. He sits in his chair all day and he's really no bother at all and, yet, things are different. He likes quiet. We are not a quiet household. I have three toy poodles that are interested in telling me who is outside, which of our neighbors are coming home or leaving, how many squirrels are scampering about in their territory, etc. I have an extremely messy and noisy cockatiel who is enamored with herself so she tells "the bird" in the mirror how pretty she is 450 times a day (okay, I haven't counted, but it's a lot). And, there's me (noisy by default because I'm clumsy), a husband ( a professor who is used to making himself heard over 200 chatty freshmen in an auditorium with no mic) and a sixteen year old (noisy by nature). We're not quiet. I think the harder we try to be quiet, the noisier we get. Nerves. Murphy's Law. Whatever!

And, there's the whole thing of having an extra person in your house. He's no trouble, but he's extra. Kinda like a splinter that doesn't hurt, but it makes your finger feel funny anyway.

Lessons from God. I don't know why I make this connection, but I do. Maybe the Holy Spirit. Maybe just my weirdo way of thinking. Was this how Jesus felt? He loved everyone, He was at home and yet things just weren't right. He was held captive by human skin. He endured crowds and shoving hordes trying to get a closer look, touches and pulls at His garments. He, Who never sleeps, now needed power naps and food to sustain His energy. And, the noise! What must it have been like to move from Heaven's angels singing to the complaining, moaning, bragging, boisterous, crying, wailing, din-imposing lot of human that we are?

So many challenges, but He endured them all for our sakes. He loved us so very much. His world was turned upside down, too. The Cross. NEVER had He lived through such horrific pain and agony, seperation from His Father, such debase nature, sheer and total evil. I shudder to think.

Yes, lives get turned topsy-turvy, and no, this was not the way I would have written the story, but I am not The Creator. I cannot see what roots of value are being watered and grown. I cannot see the depth with which they plunge into the Earth giving me stability. I cannot fathom the testimony I may bring now or in the future to someone else. I cannot imagine the taste of the sweet nectar of the fruit I'll bear from this one trial.

And, Praise Him, I do not traverse this growth spurt alone. God is with me, watering, gently pruning, providing the trellis with which to rest my heavy branches. And, one day, when the time comes, I will look at my Savior's beaming face and listen to Him broadcast throughout the Heavens, "Well done, my good and faithful Servant."

Will it have been worth it? Yes! I say again, "Yes!" He is my all in all. He is the reason I live. He is the reason I serve. He is the reason I love. He is the reason...

7/24/2007

The Concert

This was an e-mail sent to me today by a very dear friend. I wanted to share it with everyone:

When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to
her seat and discovered that the child was missing. Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage.

In horror, the mother saw her littleboy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out
"Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star." At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy's ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing."
Then, leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child, and he added a running obbligato. Together, the old master and the young novice transformed what could have been a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience.

The audience was so mesmerized that they couldn't recall what else the great master played.
Only the classic, " Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."

Perhaps that's the way it is with God. What we can accomplish onour own is hardly noteworthy.
We try our best, but the results aren't always graceful flowing music. However, with the hand of the Master, our life's work can truly be beautiful. The next time you set out to accomplish great feats, listen carefully. You may hear the voice of the Master, whispering in your ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing."

May you feel His arms around you and know that His hands are there, helping you turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces. Remember, God doesn't seem to call the equipped, rather, He equips the 'called.'

Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than by the things you acquire. So touch someone by passing this little message along. May God bless you and be with you always!
and remember,

"Don't quit. Keep playing."

7/23/2007

My Proctor Is God

I'm being tested--I just hope I studied hard enough to pass the exam. It's my worst subject, too. Patience.

Today, I got a phone call from the auction people. They needed to get in my parents' house to take the matresses. It's against NC law for them to sell them. Okay, fine. What I had not expected was the finality that hit me in the face when I entered the house and everything--I mean everything--was gone. I left Saturday, everything was there. I go in today everything is gone. WOW! It felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Question one.

I came back home and the people are here to put in a phone line for my Daddy. Problem--Oh, imagine that. They can't run the lines because we have cement all around our house in the backyard and they don't cut through cement. We can have Daddy's number transferred by Master Ring so he uses our line, but has his own ring. That sounds fine. Question two.

Come in the house and Daddy starts accusing me of giving all my children keys to his house and he wants them back. I said, "Daddy, I only have the one child and she doesn't have a key."
"I know they do!" His voice getting nasty.
"Daddy, I promise. I have one child and she doesn't have a key." I went through all the people who have keys, but he wasn't satisfied. I had to walk away. He forgot. Question three.

The cable guy came. My husband took one of my folks' TV's and wanted cable run into the bedroom. While he was here and already dirty, I thought it would be nice to have a line run next to my treadmill (where all the clothes hang). I asked, "How much to run another line while you're here?"
"Can't do that. Have to have a special order called in. We're only allowed to do so much under-house work in one day." Question four.

Find out my husband has moved my Momma's rocker, by himself, into a room I had already cleaned, and in the process scraped the rocker up pretty good. Question five.

Have worked hard all day. Looked under my bed and my dogs have ripped holes in every airtight bag I had with my winter clothes in them. Every bag. Question six.

My daughter begged her Dad to go get her some ice cream. He goes, comes back with the flavor she hates the most, she's upset that he doesn't know her enough to know she hates chocolate ice cream, he's upset that he might have to go out again. Slamming doors. Question seven.

I stop my work to go to the store to get the "right" ice cream. Question eight.

My Dad wants me to call Trot Nixon's parents to see if he's playing ball tonight. The Cleveland Indians are playing and he hasn't seen Trot. Question nine.

The phone company calls to ask me questions about the service I received today. I was to rate several questons. Question ten.

Daddy stops me as I pass from room to room. "What was my wife's name?" Question eleven.

Sent off my manuscript pages, synopsis and an e-mail to the publisher and forgot to ask for a receipt. Don't know if he got it or not. Bonus question.

So I took the exam and I believe I passed. I'm not sure what grade I'll get. I'm sure this wasn't the final, either.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of Heaven and Earth." Psalm 121:1-2

7/22/2007

Tired Tranquility

I'm back home. Had a glorious time in Asheville at The Cove with Travis. As always, he brought everyone into the presence of the Lord with his music. Not too many people can make me cry with their music, but he can. I have never listened to him when I didn't feel the Holy Spirit moving like a breath of fresh air through the room.

Hope enjoyed herself, too. The Lord took away her phone service, but not mine. She and her phone have a co-dependent relationship. Of course, I thought it was hysterical--she, well, not so much. God has a way of taking our face in His hands and saying, "You will pay attention this time." She took lots of baby steps forward in her effort to seek God with all her heart. I was proud and I know God was, too. Hope, I love you.

If you've never been to The Cove you need to make a special effort to try and get there someday. God gave Billy Graham a vision for a place where Christians could take refuge. It is an awesome place. God's presence truly can be felt everywhere. Agape love roils up an artesian well from all the workers--most of them volunteer--to splash all over the guests. It's a unique place, a wonderful place, a Godly place.

Daddy did well while I was gone. My daughter took him to get a haircut. He ate good while I was gone. He just didn't remember where I was and when I was coming home. He thought my daughter was my grandchild, but as long as he faired okay that's all that matters.

I'm told the auction did good, too. I'm so glad. When we were leaving Saturday morning, it was beginning to drizzle, but the sun came out later and the auction went on. Everything sold. Everybody liked Momma's stuff. I know we all did.

I'm tired, but it's a good tired. The kind of tired where God wears you out from lovin' on ya so much! My muscles have no stress in them. My mind doesn't have much thought in it. It's the kind of tired where you feel like you're a pat of butter and you melted on the sidewalk in the noonday sun.

Glad to be back, Bloggy friends! Let us come to the Throne with worship and thanksgiving pouring forth from our hearts and mouths to the Savior's heart and ears. He adores us. Let's return the favor!

7/20/2007

Thankfulness is at the Heart of Joy

Good Morning! I slept all night. That was wonderful and quite unlike me. God gives peace and rest, and I needed it.

Yesterday, I could tell Daddy was feeling more at home. He asked me to turn the AC on. At his house we had to sit in the sweltering heat because he didn't want his electric bill to go up. It seems at my house, "What the hey." I laughed out loud when asked me to turn it on for the third time. I had to wrap up in an afghan I got so cold!

He was back to complaining about the TV and "what is this world coming to." And, when I went for a swim AFTER all my work was completed, he warned me about being careful, not slipping and after about 20 minutes he got up, found the back door and hollered, "I think it's time you came in." Yep, Daddy feels right at home now.

We as Christians are so much like Daddy. We are so appreciative at first to be out of confinement, a well of sin or relieved from some stress, but then the "glow" of thankfulness wears off and we're right back to our same selves, complaining and feeling that things are back to status quo.

We start to whine, we start to tell God instead of ask God, our prayers once again become "me" oriented instead of God-centered. Before you know it, we're moping about, wondering "why" me, and our joy becomes stagnant.

To avoid this syndrome we need to keep our eyes squarely on the One Who has given us the best of all He has. We have salvation and we should never forget that. Nothing in our lives should supercede the thankfulness we have for our eternal life being bought by The Son of God.

The auction is Saturday, but I will be gone! I'm going to see Travis Cottrell in concert at The Cove with my friend, Hope. I'm, so excited. She's never been to The Cove and we both adore Travis. It will be a nice respite from all the stress and strain. My daughter will take good care of my Dad.

I'm close enough to finishing the manuscript that I have taken the next step and contacted Harvest House. There is an editor there who has asked to see my book, so, Ladies, let's pray!

Have a great day! Look for ways today to thank the Father for blessings He is giving you at the moment you recognize what it is. For instance, you walk down the sidewalk and see flowers. Thank Him right then for your senses, for His beautiful handiwork, for your ability to walk , etc.
You'll be amazed at how doing that will change your whole outlook on the day and bring joy bubbling from your soul!

7/18/2007

Energy Bar Made in Heaven

I am blown away by the Presence of God. He is so evident in my life right now. You know how sometimes it seems like He's just arouind the corner if you holler, but He's not standing beside you, or there if you need to jump in His arms right that second? None of that these days. I can feel His hand on mine as I lift heavy furniture and rearrange the bed and sofa for the kazillionth time. I have energy and stamina better than I did when I played basketball in high school--well, okay, maybe not that good, but almost!

I wish I could convey through these words just what a miracle it is. Five months ago I barely had energy to breathe. I took long naps, five and six hours during the day, I couldn't clean, I couldn't write, I was a blob. Now this transforming power of God is working through me and it's simply wild!

Daddy's had a grand day. I would whiz through, pat him on the head and he was delighted just to have someone to speak to all day. He's settling in just fine, though he is confused about the layout of the house. He cannot for the life of himself find the bathroom! BUT, I now have the energy and wherewithall to show him. Whoopee!!!!

Dear Lord, You know I can never thank You enough for what You're doing in my life, but that's the beauty of Your whole plan. I can't, You can, so there ya go. You love each of us in our own worlds with the same amount of love. I love You, Father, for taking this weak body and using me to glorify You through an aging father who has served You well. You are most kind. I thank You. Good-night!

7/17/2007

My Bundle of Joy!

Well, guess what? Today I brought home my new 86 year old bundle of joy. He weighs about 140 lbs and already sleeps through the night! Daddy was so excited today. He called me about every hour to see if I was coming today to bring him to my house to spend the night. When I finally got there, he got up from the recliner and said, "I'm ready! I've been waitin' all day."

I'm so thankful he's looking forward to living here and not fighting me. It would be a thousand times harder. We watched some TV together and the funny thing is he never complained about "the junk they show now." That's funny because every night since Momma went to live in Heaven that was his comment about TV. Lots of nights we sat in silence listening to the clock tick. No ticking clock. That's going on the auction!!

This morning while writing on --The Novel--I believe I discovered who gets killed. It's not set in stone, but I think I know now. It's getting really exciting now as the book closes in on the finale. I'm on about page 210--keep praying that the message will be glorifying to the Most High Creator.

I'm headed to bed now after an exhausting day. I've got to get the "little one" tucked in and make sure he can find the bathroom!

7/16/2007

Letting Go of Just Stuff

I covet the prayers of my bloggy friends. I am so tired. It's been a physically and emotionally draining day. Today the auctioneer and his crew came to Daddy's house. They began to "break" the house down. There was so much I had not thought of to do. I had to clean out Daddy's personal stuff, closets I had not had a chance to go through--and I thought I had been through everything. There were even pictures I had not come across until today.

I got Daddy's chair, bed, chest of drawers, hamper, lamps, etc over to my house, but realized when I got the bed in my living room, it's huge. I mean, gargantuan. I had not cleaned out enough space for everything he wanted to bring. So he's having to stay in their house one more night. Tonight when I left him, he was a little confused about where he was supposed to sleep. I told him which guest room he would be in and his favorite lamp was there, but I'll have to call later to make sure he's where he's supposed to be.

The people who are running the auction are very sympathetic. I asked the man's wife if they attended church anywhere and she told me a church here in town they visit. I asked her had she ever joined in that church's Beth Moore studies and she had so we launched on a conversation about Beth, then Jesus and what He was doing in our lives. It was awesome.

Another guy, Bruce, I've been calling him Bruce Almighty, asked me why I was taking in my Daddy. I said that I believed it was Scriptural plus I love him. He said, "I knew you had Jesus in your soul. You're just way to happy to be going through this and still smile." I thanked him and we talked about Jesus off and on all day. Then he offered to bring Daddy's furniture over to my house. He thought I looked like I could use some help.

Isn't God wonderful the way He just plants people right at your doorstep when you need them? These wonderful people have been so compassionate about our loss and when I cried they would leave the room and give me a minute or two. They have let me keep the things I wanted even though we signed a contract to sell it all.

Bruce Almighty told me about his grampa and how much my Daddy reminded him of his gramps. He kept giving me all these wise sayings his grampa imparted to him. I know his gramps had Jesus in his soul, too.

When I left tonight I wandered around Daddy's house looking at 61 years of married life all put into boxes ready to sell. It made me realize I just don't want to live like that. I don't want to accumulate so much stuff. Momma never got to enjoy most of it and Daddy's selling it. I couldn't bring it all home with me and I can only pass on so much through the years.

I know for her, part of the thrill was in the buying and the having because she was so poor when she grew up. Her dad was an alcoholic and they moved all the time leaving behind what little they could get with each move. Momma never had toys or new clothes.

I admit through the years Momma taught me to hang on to things and I find it very difficult to part with anything. Everything holds some kind of sentimental value for me, but I think through Momma's move to Heaven, once again leaving everything behind, and knowing what she had amassed--I just want no part of it.

I am throwing out tons. I've rid myself of things today I thought I could never give away. I am not going to save things anymore. I am moving ever closer to a more simple lifestyle. I want to spend my money creating memories and not storing them in closets.

There are lots of things I can do with my daughter and help others in the process to create memories for us and for them--missions trips, soup kitchens, things like that. And, one day (when God sees fit to publish my book) I'd like to be able to buy a car for somebody not expecting it who could really use it. I'd like to be able to buy a trip for a couple who could never afford a honeymoon. I'd like to be able to supply an orphange with enough food and resources to last them a year, maybe twenty.

Of course, paring down my stuff is not going to bring those things about. It has more to do with letting go of earth and reaching for Heaven. I will be blessed to bless. I will have more when I have less. Letting go of my stuff let's God take hold of it and use it.

Good night all. Grace be to you who follow hard after the One Who gives us life everlasting. Thank you, Lord, for the special people You surround us with, if only for a season. I ask Your blessings on each one that reads this post. Each one is special to me and even more special to You. I'm crazy about You!

7/15/2007

Jump in Feet First--Just Get Your Head Wet

Spending time with my Daddy now is becoming harder. He can't remember anything, but he wants to argue about everything. His arguments are full of venom and mean looks and let me tell you, that is not the way MY Dad was--I have to keep reminding myself this is some alien who has taken over and now resides inside my Dad's body. What's so ironic is that he argues in error.

He will be moving in with me tomorrow or Tuesday. The auctioneer is coming to price things and ready them for the auction next Saturday. I can't even imagine my Momma's beautiful things out on the lawn with strangers rummaging through them, especially her chicken and doll collections. I keep reminding myself, "They're just things. The people cannot buy your memories," and when I get like Daddy, I can make my own memories!

With all that I have going on, I was invited to go out on my friend's boat yesterday and, of course, I chose play over housework. We went up into an inlet to eat supper and a storm came up, as they do on the ocean, rather quickly. We pulled anchor and as we were leaving we saw two kayakers ambling their way to their boat. Now this storm I am talking about was full of wind, heavy rain and lightening, but they were taking their sweet time getting back to their kayak. Just as we pulled to the mouth of the inlet to enter the waterway, the bottom fell out. You could barely see your hand in front of yur face. Lightening was hitting all around us in the water, Believe me, we were hoofin' it as fast as that boat could take us.

I thought about how much like Christians the whole scenario was turning out to be. One person sees God's movement and turns immediately to act. He/she moves when God moves. The kayakers represent other Christians who see God moving, but for some reason they aren't in any hurry to join Him. Maybe they're waiting to see exactly what He's going to do before they join HIm. It might be something they don't really want to do. Maybe they think He will by-pass them and not ask them to join HIm.

Then, when they finally decide God is moving in such a big way, maybe they will move into action afterall, sometimes they're overwhelmed by it all. Their journey becomes fraught with anxiety and fear because the movement of God is causing giant swells of unrest among the world and it scares these Christians. They begin to blame God for events in their lives when all the time if they had moved when God first moved they could have foreseen a bit about what might happen and prepare themselves.

We should always be willing to move when God tells us to move. We should never question whether He is right or if it's something we think we might like to do. If He is moving and showing us signs that we need to be in on this or that thing, then we need to jump in--even if we have to go feet first holding our nose.

7/13/2007

Be Impressed with God

I'm impressed with God. No, really. I'm impressed. I think about His love for us. He is the Almighty. He created everything, yet He doesn't condider it "lowering Himself" to love us--He loves us because He considers us lovely.

It doesn't matter how educated or not, how poor or rich how outwardly beautiful or not, how refined or lacking in social etiquette. He loves and He can't help it. It's His nature. He loves us because, well, He loves us.

He wants us to succeed. He does all He can to help us choose correctly, but He doesn't coerce us or use us as puppets. He lets us make mistakes, then He uses our bad choices to teach us. Sometimes He picks us up. Sometimes He lets us struggle with the process of picking our own selves up from the mire. He dusts us off once we're up, maybe even have to wash our face if we wallowed a long time, and sets us on our way again, headed in the right direction on the right path.

This brings me to another point. I'm impressed with His patience. I'm always impressed with patience. Some people have a bent for wondering off the path every few feet, that would be me, but He is always just as patient as the first time. Waiting for us to admit we've taken a wrong turn, dusting us off and setting us back on course. He could easily say , "It would just be quicker if I did it myself," but he doesn't.

I'm impressed that He allows those who oppose Him, who don't believe in Him to live, to prosper. I don't even like to be around people who oppose me. I know I'm not alone in this. It's why we have different religions and different sects or denominations within those religions. It's why we have political parties. It's why e-harmony exists. It's why we have clubs. I don't think I've ever heard of an Opposites Club. We won't to be around people who believe like we do, who confirm what we believe to be right, who confirm our choices. It's why JFK was assassinated. It's why Paul was persecuted. It's why Jesus was crucified. They were different.

Yet God allows that opposition. He loves that person. He has mercy on them. He lets them say the most ridiculous things about Him. He doesn't zap them into silence. He doesn't try to defend Himself. He doesn't have to. One day, one sad, tragic day those same people will realize what a horrible mistake they made.

I'm impressed by God's abilities to work my bad choices, my failures, my sins to my own good and for His puposes. How many times I have scrapped an idea or plan because of failure. God is the ultimate, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." He can take any failure and turn it around. In fact, He's in the business of refurbishing throw away, used up, failed humans. He can take the worst person you can even imagine and totally use them for good.

Think of Corrie ten Boom. God used Hitler, the Third Reich and the Nazi regime to bring glory and honor to His name. Think of 9/11. God used those attacks to bring glory and honor to His name and turn people to Himself. Think of Paul. He turned that life around from a Christian-killer to pen most of the New Testament. Think of Christ. His plan was to use those Romans and Jews to bring glory and honor to HImself, to turn lives around, to change the world.

I'm impressed with God's willingness to enter into the smallest detail of our lives. He cares about the little stuff--we sometimes don't pay attention to the little things because we're too hurried, too busy, too stressed, too self-consumed, too jaded to notice anymore. But, He never stops noticing, never stops caring. Flowers still bloom every year. Sunsets still grace the western skies, ocean waves still lap the shore. Beauty for us to enjoy.

Ever lose something, ask God to help you find it and He did? Yep! The little things. For ten days I visited my Momma in the hospital. For ten days I always found a parking space within walking distance of the doors. It was awesome. The little things. It has never rained on my daughter's birthday! He cares. "Let the children come."
God impresses me. His vows are trustworthy. His patience endures. His mercies are new every morning. He is faithful. He is kind. He is gentle. His love knows no end.

If money impresses you, all the money is His. If status impresses you, He is the Almighty, the Everlasting God, the Ancient of Days, the Alpha and Omega. If power impresses you, He is omnipotent, all-powerful. If big houses impress you, the earth is His footstool. If good-looks impress you, His beauty is beyond compare. If education impresses you, He is omniscient, all-knowing. If creativity impresses you, He is the Creator of all things.

Be impressed with the One Who deserves to be on a pedestal in your eyes. Worship the One Who deserves our worship. Idolize the One true God. Putting God and humans in the proper perspective will save you a lot of heartache, disappointment and frees you up to accept and love people. It levels the playing field, making us all the same instead of different.

7/12/2007

Love Like Pure Gold

I was about to bust last night to post, but didn't because we had a thunderstorm. I unplugged my computer to protect it from electrical jolts, so I'll give witness to God's love this morning.

A blogger, Nicole, posted a comment on the LPM blog about two weeks ago. She has been diagnosed with liver cancer, she has a 12 year old son and she is 27. Very frightened, very angry at God, very confused.

I immediately felt something for her beyond compassion. I was overwrought with the need to keep up with her and encourage her, pray for her. I believe those burdens came straight from The Holy Spirit.

Several days passed and I heard nothing. She made no comments on the LPM blog, no one had heard from her, then another fellow blogger, darling Darla, posted a comment on my blog. I returned her comment with a comment on her blog and there was Nicole's name and she had a blog!

Naturally, I went there, read her blog and the burden became greater to walk my prayers to the Throne of God and let Him do a mighty work. I did, but I also heard Him tell me to ask yet another fellow blogger, Teri, to post a comment on Nicole's blog. She did. She in turn posted a comment on another blogger's blog (there's a whole lot of blogging goin' on).

Heather has a brain tumor, three small children, a baby who had a heart transplant when born and who knows what else. She understands Nicole's plight. She's been angry, confused, scared, all of it. Heather asked her fellow bloggers to comment on Nicole's blog. Nicole's blog went from 0-78 comments in one day--thats' really phenomenal and this morning Nicole's blog had 570+ hits!

Do you see how God works? He could have done it differently, but He gave several of us the opportunity to do the right thing, ask for prayers for this young woman, thereby giving us the chance to see His love at work AND give us the chance to brag about Him. I love it! Simple steps, no one was burdened with weeks of work, just one simple step and He compounded the interest so to speak! What an awesome and loving God we serve.

My uncle used to sing in a quartet and one of the songs had these lyrics:

"My God is real, real in my soul. My God is real 'cause He has washed and made me whole. His love for me is like pure gold. My God is real 'cause He's alive deep down in my soul."

His love for us is like pure gold and more. Please, if you don't know Him, talk to Him. He will explain to your heart your need for Him. He wants every man, every woman, every soul ever born to live with Him in Heaven forever. Every person, once born will always be. After your earthly body passes on you will be either in Heaven forever or hell forever. He so wants you to choose Him! Take Him up on His offer and experience a love like you've never experienced before!

7/10/2007

Consider It All Joy!

I get it! I finally get it--well, at least partially. I understand now what James is talking about when he says, "Consider it all joy." The suffering, the trials, the persecution, the sorrow--whatever it is, if we allow Him to work in us, those things all bring us to a greater knowledge of Christ. We depend on Him for every breath, every move. We cry in our pillows at night, we wrestle with fatigue, we curse the pain, and yet, when all is said and done, we realize without Him we could not have made it.

I know it sounds weird, and don't get me wrong, the junk we go through is painful and grievous and scary, but when it drives us to the waiting arms of our Savior, when we come to depend solely on Him and then, we become self-confident, not in ourselves, but what we realize Christ can do through us, then it is sheer joy.

My Daddy can't remember my name anymore. He still recognizes me as his daughter, I think, but he can't say my name. I'm weary from the constant explaining, the strain of taking care of two households, yada, yada, yada, but it's truly a joy! I am solely dependent on my Savior and with that dependence comes a new me, a new confidence, a new awakening that has me dancing in the streets!

I am living out the Living Word. It has scraped scales off my eyes with its edges and I can see that, indeed, to suffer, to have trials is joy because it brings me closer to Him! There is no sacrifice too great. What a privilege to serve my God. I am humbled to be labeled with His name--Christian.

Thank You, Jesus, for giving me the opportunity to see You better, whatever the means You choose, You know best. You are trustworthy. I consider it all joy!

7/09/2007

He is the Beginning and the End

I have to tell this story or I'll bust and then the rocks will have to cry out and, well, it's just not their jobs. I just have to brag on Jesus again. He's so worthy of all the brag we have!

My Daddy's house was put on the market about a month ago. We signed a contract on it last week, but here's the story:

These people, The Hickman's, were invited over to their friends' new house. It is in the same subdivision as my Dad's. They decided to look around the neighborhood, saw my Daddy's house was for sale, asked to see it the next day and put an offer on it the next day! Incredible! They were not even looking to buy a house, but Mrs. Hickman fell in love with it. The offer was so close to what we were asking we didn't even make a counter offer. Tell me God doesn't care about the things going on in our lives! Sometimes His goodness is almost more than I can bear--he is too magnificent for words. He is glorious. He is spectacular. He is magnificent. He is divine. He is every adjective any dictionary could say and then 10,000 beyond!

I'm wild about Him. I am obssessed with Him. He is my very breath. Oh, how I pray you know Him personally. No one or nothing can fill any emptiness you have in your heart but One. He is the End-all. The End of all fear. The End of all hopelessness. The End of all shame. The End of all desperation. The End of all loneliness. The End of all condemnation. Alpha and Omega is His name.

For He is the Beginning of hope. He is the Beginning of life. He is the Beginning of joy. He is the Beginning of fulfillment. He is the Beginning of blamlessness. He is the Beginning of a new you!

I cannot, and will not even try to imagine, what my life would be like without Him. I would be condemned to hell. I would be without my daughter. I would be dead--without a doubt.

Oh my Dear Savior, bless Your Holy name, Jesus. You are my Rock, my Fortress, my Deliverer, in You will I trust. There is none like You. Save us, Lamb of God. Teach us, Rabboni. Lead us, Lord, in the way everlasting.

Tagged: What I "dig" about Jesus

I have been "tagged" by one of my blog Siestas, Darla, to tell five things I "dig" about Jesus. WOW! It's gonna be hard to keep this list to five.

1) I "dig" the way He always hung out with the "out" crowd instead of the "in" crowd. He touched the unclean. He talked to women. He asked a tax collector--a shunned group--to work alongside Him as His disciple. He is a Man for the underdog.

2) I "dig" His self-confidence. He knew Who He was and where He was going. He kept His eyes on the Plan. He never wavered. He never waffled. He never made excuses. He was Who He was and that was it. No need to say more. I like that.

3) I "dig" His respect for His earthly parents. He learned His father's trade as a carpenter. He turned water into wine for His mother. While dying on the cross, He made sure His mother was taken care of by someone He knew could be trusted.

4) I "dig"the way He is coming back one day as The King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I just love a great ending and this one will be the best, complete with the white horse! I love that. He will be back to rescue His damsel in distress (the church). And, I love the entrance. Every great drama has a grand entrance. To pierce the clouds and have the trumpets blasting! WOW!

5) And last, but definitely not least, I "dig" that He has paid my way to Heaven. He is the ultimate in love and sacrifice, and, well, that's cool.

I have to go find someone to tag. I'll add names later.

7/08/2007

From Glory to Glory

I shared with my SS class this morning a bit about what God is doing in my life right now. It is so awesome and I will tell you as I told them. I am not boasting in anything I have done, I tell you for His glory and His alone.

I have had brittle diabetes for 39 years. I have been near death numerous times. I have renal disease, gastopareisis, neuropathy, and chronic anemia--all results of diabetes complications. I don't feel well a lot of the time. God has given me strength, People! He has enabled me to clean my house, making a place for my Dad to move in. I have been able to keep awake during the day to do things with my daughter and things I need to do as a housewife and writer. I have driven back and forth between my house and Daddy's cleaning his to sell, and have continued to write--almost completing the book God has laid on my heart to write.

He has provided strength in my weakness. He has carried me when my legs were too weary to move. He has given patience that I thought was rotten in the bottom of my fruit barrel. Over and over again He has shown me how much He loves me and how willing He is to do for me. I am so humbled that He has chosen to use me in these ways. (I won't ask Him why. He might rethink His decision!)

I asked several months ago to be taken on the wildest ride of my life--and boy, did I ever not see this coming! But make no mistake--it is awesome. My Momma dying 3 1/2 months ago drove me straight to the Throne--I had nowhere else to turn. My Daddy was in his own grief and turmoil. My Momma was always the one to give me comfort and she was gone.

Daddy's Alzheimer's and all the junk associated with it has taught me a total dependance on God I thought I had, but really didn't. Trials came as a result of the Fall of man, but God uses them to show us His magnificent glory.

I believe one of the truths we can glean from Paul's exhortation to us to do everything without complaing is this: even the trials, suffering and persecution come with their own rewards--the benefits of seeing Jesus closer, knowing He is holding us tightly, far, far outweighs the hurt of what we experience here on this earth.

I can truly thank Him for the chaos in my life, for the loneliness I felt when Momma went to live with Him, for it all--I am thankful. I have found a new facet of Him that I never would have seen and I would have been less complete without that experience. From glory to glory!

7/06/2007

Take Yourself to the Throne

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow, He is still in the business of answering prayers! Isn't it wonderful to know we have given our hearts and lives to a God Who wants us to ask Him for things? He delights in giving us what we ask for! How awesome is that? We don't have to kill others to be considered worthy. We don't have to perform a certain amount of ritual, pray a certain amount of prayer, be good enough by doing works--we just have to humble ourselves and go to Him with boldness and confidence carrying nothing more than faith in His Son, Jesus!

My friend and soul-mate just had surgery Tuesday. And, Blessing-Giver that He is, God saw fit to heal her. She has had a miraculous recovery. It's awesome to pray and then see that, yes, God is listening, waiting for our petitions and willing, nay, wanting, to answer. It blows my mind!

Can you imagine? God, Who sits on the Throne, desires you to come and talk to Him, tells you to ask Him for things, sings over you? This is the same God Who created the earth, the stars, the universe and Was before time ever began? We cannot truly imagine what transcending time means--we can say it and know the definition, but we can't know what it's like--we just can't imagine not being under the gun of time, but God can because He is! And yet, He created us, He wants fellowship with us, He beckons us, humans who live and breathe by the constraints of time. I can scarce take it in!

Take the time today to go to Him. Tell Him how much you love Him. Tell Him how much you need Him. Tell Him you appreciate Him. Tell Him with a thankful heart. Show Him with an obedient life. Delight Him with a repentant soul.

Glory to God in the Highest!

7/05/2007

Nature Belongs To Its Creator

Okay, I confess. I drove an hour in heavy Fourth of July BEACH! traffic to be with my daughter at camp so we could watch the fireworks together. They weren't spectacular like in years past, the mosquitoes were so big I think I was lifted off the blanket a couple of times, but it was still a wonderful evening.

We sat by the waters edge, a slight breeze blowing gently in our faces, my daughter had her head resting on my shoulder, and sometimes she would pat my leg. We ate homeade ice cream after the fireworks and sat around fellowshipping with a bunch of teen-agers from another city. They tour around the Southeast, singing and giving their testimonies. They are lively, lovely and madly in love with Jesus. If anybody doubts whether there are still teens out there who love the Lord, I can tell you with a resounding , "YES!" they are out there and they want to make a difference.

I am so blessed. My Lord loves to take care of the intimate details of my life. He guided me carefully to and from camp--I don't drive at night as a rule, but I was able to get home safely. The weather was perfect for just sitting out and breathing in the smells of the ocean, listening to the waves lap at the beachhead and kids of all ages giggling and screaming as the fireworks exploded with sound and color--all things God could have left out of His planning, but He included them so our lives would be full of Him, our senses can come alive as we breathe, touch, hear, see and taste His goodness.

What if He had made our vision black and white? We would not know the colors of a sunset or the rich colors of a rose. What if we could not taste chocolate? Homemade bread right out of the oven slathered in creamy butter. What if we couldn't smell our newborn baby freshly bathed and powdered? What if we couldn't smell Christmas or a rain? How about not being to feel a hug or the warmth of a fire, the soft fur of a puppy or the comfort of ur own bed? What if we never heard the crackle of a fire in fall or our children telling us they loved them? What if God had decided to not include our senses in His make up of us?

The very reason we have all these things is because He loves us. he wants us to have joy while we are here on Earth, to enjoy life. Yes, we will have trials, suffering and persecution, but those only draw us closer to Him where we find peace, joy, and love. God is all about creation. He's all about creativity. He could have made us all the same--but He chose not to. He gives us variety. But we tend, just as the Jews did in the wilderness, to complain. It's just not enough. "Where are you God," we cry. "Why?"

He is everywhere. You can smell Him, you can taste Him, you can feel Him, you can hear Him, you can see Him. His Presence, the essence of Who He is can be found in nature, the things He made with His loving, tender hands.

Thank You, Lord, for blessing us with variety, the spice of life. You are so thoughtful to think about what would bring us pleasure, just for pleasure's sake. Thank You for passing on creativity to humans that others may create simply for the pleasure of creating. There is none like You.

7/03/2007

Celebrate a Free Country and a Free Soul--Today!

Well, Praise the LORD! We signed the contract on Daddy's house night before last. The closing is July 30th. He has to be out by July 15th so the auctioneer can come in and ready the estate for sale. As God would have it, I will be out of town the only date that was open for the sale and that's good, because even talking to the guy today made me cry and get very upset. I know Momma is enjoying every second of Heaven, but I'm not enjoying every second I miss her. I just cannot imagine her things being sold and whisked away by strangers. God knew I would feel this way so He had it all worked out I would be at The Cove for an evening with Travis Cottrell--only my very favorite worship leaders!!

I've packed a few pictures and I'm getting the last of what I want from Momma's house before the auction. But, just to keep me grounded, the water heater burst so I had to get that taken care of. I know nothing about these things--I've always had a Daddy or husband who did all that, but I'm now learning. (Again, my brilliant brother had lots of knowledge about such things so he led me step by step over the phone through what I should do). I know there is a good reason for it, too--just don't know yet what that is.

July Fourth is today. How blessed we are to live in a free country. In this day and time, there are so many who want to do nothing but tear this country apart and it breaks my heart. A little respect, People, a little respect.

Daddy just called to tell me he had good nws news. "The water heater's not broken. Somebody used the hose and that's what was leaking. The heater's as dry as a bone!"

Bless his heart he was so excited. I had to burst his bubble. "No, Daddy. I pulled the hose out myself and hooked it to the heater to drain it, but it was already empty. Your water heater is shot."

Disheartened, "Oh, I thought I had good news."

He does have Good News, but not about the water heater. He's going to Heaven when he stops breathing Earth's oxygen! Glory! That's really Good News! He's going to meet the King of Kings and The Lord of Lords face-to-face! He's going to see Moses, Abraham, Paul, David, Mary, Noah, Joseph, and Momma! Good News, indeed.

I pray each one of you who reads this blog knows the Saviour, personally. I pray you have asked Him to forgive you of your sins. I pray You have asked Him to be your Lord and Master. All it takes is to believe in your heart Jesus died on the cross for your sins, rose again on the third day and lives in Heaven now at the right hand of the Father, and confess it with your mouth. Easy, painless and with huge dividends. No greater return anywhere or with anything on earth. I urge you, take these steps today. What better day than the day our nation celebrates its freedom. You, too, will have a special reason to celebrate your own freedom. A freedom in Christ that money can't buy nor any country give you. It's a freedom that comes from having a persoanl relationship with the Living God.

Happy Fourth of July!

Check this out: http://sagebrushpatriot.com/america.htm

7/02/2007

I Just Want to Talk with You, Lord

I didn't come here to ask You for anything.
I just came to talk with You, Lord.
You've answered a million prayers or more
That I forgot to thank You for.
I just came to talk with You, Lord.
Maybe tomorrow
There'll be trouble and sorrow,
And a thousand teardrops may fall.
But until I face tomorrow's test
I have no special favor to ask.
I just came to talk with You, Lord.
How many times, Lord
Have troubles brought me down to my knees?
Oh, but this time I just want to talk with You, Lord.
You see,
I have really no selfish motive in mind,
I just came to thank You, Lord,
For all the other times...
I just came to talk with You, Lord.
Maybe tomorrow there'll be trouble and sorrow,
And a thousand teardrops may fall
But until I face tomorrow's test
I have no special favor to ask
I just came to talk with You, Lord.
---The Rambo's

This so expresses my heart this past few days. He does so much and I thamk Him so little. He is always there for me. Am I always there for Him? Can He count on me for anything He asks of me? What am I unwilling to do? Or maybe, what am I willing to do?

I want to make Him my steadfsat desire; not what He can do for me. I want to pray in the mornings without one single request--just to talk and commune with Him, let Him know my heart's desire is nothing more than to sit at His feet because I am with Him.

Yes, Lord, I just want to talk with You.

7/01/2007

Glory on the Top Deck

WOW! OH WOW! WOW! that is how I describe my week-end to you! We had a blast!

The boat trip down took about 5 1/2 hours. We saw some feral goats on an island, dolphins, every kind of shore bird you can imagine and the water was beautiful. We docked early afternoon, and of course, the girls went shopping. They had such a good time.

We went back to the boat, opened presents and ate cake. Several of us slept (Ha!) on the top deck in the open air. It was an awesome experince. I couldn't sleep I was so excited. I prayed all night, just talking to Jesus about the day, about how He brought me through my daughter's birth and everyone was urging me to abort her--long story. We talked about the beauty of the flag when it blows in the sea breeze (there was a giant one on shore just outside the boat). I told Him how lovely everything had been that day--how unique His creation is and I had enjoyed all of it.

We got up, had a devotional and did some more shopping. The ride back home was sunny and I got a little crispy burn, but it, too, was fun. We saw the most beautiful clouds I've seen, but then again, I've never been on the water in a full scale thunder storm. Awesome!

While on the ride home, the realtor called and someone made an offer on my Dad's house so close to his asking price I don't think we're going to counter-offer! Ain't God grand?

It was nice to get away. I was living in an alternate reality for two days and it was great. I came home burned, but relaxed, tired, but rested. My spirit was so in tune with the Spirit I could hardly contain myself. This week-end, God reassured me of His hand in everything that's going on. He is so loving and so gentle. I am simply amazed that He cares so much and insures that I have a good time on a mini-vacation, birthday celebration.

The neat thing, too, was some of the girls are not churched at all and some rarely. My daughter and I were able to witness by saying the blessing before the meals, by thanking Him for a safe trip, by talking about the wisdom of reading the Owner's Manuel of Life, by witnessing to a Jew from Israel at the shops, by singing to Him when I got so excited about the surrounding beauty I could not comtain myself, even by dressing modestly on the boat--lots of little things that hopefully will get their minds and hearts stirred.

Glad to be back. Missed you guys. Holy is The Lamb Who was slain! To Him be all glory. honor and praise!

6/28/2007

Bungee Jumping without a Cord

Today? Today was like bungee jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge and realizing on the way down you forgot the cord! But praise God from Whom all blessings flow, I forgot the cord, but He didn't! When I was at the end of my rope (or without one in this case) He supplied the safety net, and boy, did I ever need it today.

My Daddy is heading down hill on a bike with no brakes. His capacity to understand new concepts is about gone. Patience? I have some tucked somewhere in my hip pocket, but it's not readily accessible. This is a lesson God is teaching me. I feel His hand in it. My brother is a calming voice amidst the chaos. I am so thankful for his insight. I have always adored him and today, I adore him more. I am so thankful God let us be in the same family!

I am by nature a loner. I think God may be readying me for long lines of people wanting to buy books from me and talk to me--something that requires patience. And He is readying me for the task ahead with Daddy moving in. I realize it is going to be a challenge--after today, I see what a challenge! I'm willing to go through the fire, Lord, if I can be of better service to You.

I can run this race. I can fight the good fight. I can count it all joy. I can do this thing through Christ Who strengthens me.

I am taking a boat-load of girls on a trip this week-end for my daughter's 16th birthday. I am so excited and so blessed to be able to do this for her. I'll be gone for the next few days, but I'll think of all of you.

6/27/2007

Love the Sewer Rats

It's late and I'm tired, but I just wanted to say, "I love Him." I am so in love with my Saviour I can barely contain it. He has saved me from the pit of hell. He has kept me from living an eternity banished from His presence. Me! He knew I am so prone to wander, so prone to sin, but He died on that cross just for me. How can I not love Him?

He loves me and He sees my dark heart, the corners that rarely get swept clean, the places that nearly always fail the white glove tests. How can it be? I scare can take it in. But, His grace doesn't stop there. He loves me, and He blesses me. Why? I've done so little with my life. I've wasted so many years. If I had been Him I would have washed my hands of me long ago, but that's it. I'm not Him. He has given me chance, after chance, after chance to be obedient and follow Him, and Him only.

How, then, could I ever not keep giving someone chance, after chance, after chance? I cannot. It is mandated for me to give the same mercy I was given, to show compassion as I was shown compassion, to forgive as I was forgiven and to love as I have been loved.

Sometimes, some people are harder to love than others. They sabotage the relationships they are in to prove that you really didn't love them in the first place. "See I told you..." They say that a lot. Others do mean, things, turn it around to be your fault and then claim you don't love them. But, if we are to follow Christ's example, we love them all. We are not their saviour and we can't save then from themselves, but we can love them, we can pray for them and we can bend over backwards to show how much God loves them through our own tenacity to hold on to them and not let them drown.

God is the only Being Who has the right and the knowledge to know when someone's heart is too hard for redemption. Humans should never wash their hands of another human being. We may have to sever the physical relationship with them, but they can reamin in our prayers until our last breath.

We sing "Jesus Loves Me," but it is true for everyone. Jesus loves everyone and He is our Leader. He is our Model. He is the only Pattern we should cut our behavior from.

We have been called to love our enemy. Let's do it. Let's love the unlovely. Christ picked us up, putrid, smelly, as dirty as dirty could be and He loves us. He washed us. He clothed us in His righteousness. So go out, Friends, and find a sewer rat and take 'em home, give 'em a bath and shower them with blessings.

Wild Rides and Cups in the Toilet

Yesterday was a bit like the "Twilight Zone." I took my Dad, with the middle stages of Alzheimer's, to see my Gramma, who is 102 1/2 and has dementia--she lives solely in the past. Whew! For my Gramma I was at times my mother, who lives in Heaven now, and a Cavenaugh, people from Maple Hill, and a strange boy, there to do her bidding.

The minute we got to the nursing home, the aide said they had to do a treatment (give Granny oxygen). Well, Granny doesn't particularly like the treatment. So as soon as the aide left, she started trying to pull the oxygen off. She wanted to spit. I had nothing for her to spit in so I gave her the trashcan. She spit a couple of times then said, "Now put some water in it." Okay, call it insanity, but I thought she meant to rinse it out.

I didn't look in the can, after all, she had just spit in it. I dumped it into the toilet. I heard something more than spit hit the water, looked and I had dumped a plastic cup into the toilet which had not been flushed since her last...um...BM.

I'm NOT reaching into a very dirty toilet to retrieve a cup without some gloves of major substance, so I went on a treasure hunt to find some gloves. Now I'm thirsty and worn out. Finally found a housekeeper that had gloves and could careless why I needed them, but I felt compelled to explain, in minute detail, exactly why I needed the gloves.

Went back to Granny's room and she hollered, "Boy, I need some water."
"Okay, Granny. Lemme clean up the trash can and get the cup." And, NNOOooooo, I wasn't planning to use that cup for her water.

I fished the cup out, cleaned the trashcan and put it back in its proper position among Granny's possessions. "Put the paper towel beside it." Now I had a paper towel in my hand that I had used to dry my clean hands after washing the glove-stuff off. I had no idea why she wanted a paper towel back there, but, you know, it's her room and her stuff. Down the paper towel went.

"I need water. Just put it in there." That was what she wanted all along. She hadn't wanted me to clean the trash can, but put her some water in it to drink. Okay, I admit at this point I was trying hard not to hurl my breakfast and dinner from the night before.

I said, "Granny, let me go get a cup." She put up some argument, but I left to embark on my second treasure hunt. Found the aide and again began to explain in detail about what had happened and why I needed a cup. I'm thinking at this point somebody's demetia has leaked out and I've inhaled it.

Got the cup, walked back to Granny's room and went to the faucet to get water. I handed her the cup, she took a sip and politely--spit it out--on the floor--of her room--which is carpeted.
"Granny!" (Okay, I'm exasperated now). "Why did you spit it out?" (Yes, I was expecting a sane answer).

"Because," she stated flatly, giving what she considers a sane answer, "I wanted you to go to the creek over yonder and get me some spring water. It's cool and fresh. It's so good."

I'm now at a loss. , but, Mighty Aide to save the day. She takes the cup and goes outside to the water fountain--of course, cool, fresh water. Takes a swig of "spring" water, looks at me, "You Cavenaugh's don't know a thing." (Now mind you, I AM not a Cavenaugh!) Glory!

Then she puts her feet down, wheels herself out to the hall without a by-your-leave-nothing. It was quite a feat, I must say, for a one and two year old woman to wheel her own chair to the hallway.

One the way home, Daddy asked me twenty times did Granny know him and did she mention Lena, my Momma. The funny thing about yesterday: Neither one of them is going to remember any of it!!!!

It's a wild adventure! A wild ride! And, totally cool with me. I'm growing and doing things I never would have even imagined, especially fishing cups out of soiled toilet water. Now there's something you can't make up!

God has bestowed upon me patience I never knew I was capable of, love that doesn't come easily for me and strength--I am chronically anemic from kidney disease! I am able through His power--folks, that's cause to celebrate, so I'll just keep chuggin' along and singin' a new song for His glory! Hallelujah! He's all that!