Wild!

My husband says I've changed since my Daddy moved in and I guess he's right. I know I'm much quieter now. I'm not so wide-eyed and innocent. Taking care of Daddy is stripping that part of me away. It's taken me awhile to finally grow up. I suppose it happens to the best of us. I kinda like being Peter Pan, though. I'm gonna miss that portion of me. It's something I can never get back, never go to again. Like when you find out for the first time there really is no Santa Claus. Hard as you try to still believe, you just can't. Bye, Peter.



Other, more trivial things, are taking some adjustment, too. Daddy has a tendency to tell me what to do, scold me for going to the movie all the time, turn off the TV because he doesn't want to watch "that junk" even though me or my daughter or both of us might me in the room watching said "junk," show me how to rinse out the dishes before loading them into the dishwasher (I've been married for 17 years!), discipline my sixteen year old human child and my three dog children--they are now leary of his every move, etc.



The little girl in me winces when he scolds, bows down in obedience at his commands, does as told without question, however, the married adult, mother of one resents the intrusion. My home is MY home. I don't need a stranger-and he is a stranger- coming in to tell me how to run things.



And, at the same time he's telling me about what I'm doing wrong, he needs help getting dressed after a shower (which I have to insist he take), he has to be reminded when to eat, reminded that he likes hamburgers, explain what a hamburger is, he has to be shown which way to bed and bath, he has to have the phone answered for him, his checkbook is now my responsibility, and told twenty times a day what my Momma's name was. It's wild!



I'm anxious, too, because I haven't heard back from the publisher. My writing has come to a stand-still. I sat down to the computer last week and it was awful. I didn't know the style of that person's writing at all. I haven't had the urge to try anymore. Even blogging has become stifled and hard.

I just flat out miss my Mom. I called her about everything and now I don't have her. And, to be honest, Daddy being here is a moment-by-moment reminder that she's gone. I would've gone over to talk out my feelings of rejection and discouragement where the book is concerned. She would have talked me through it. Daddy would not have been an issue. In fact, I would have been talking her through some of what she expeerienced with him. Peter. Where is Peter when I need him? I need to fly away to Never Land.

My house is clean though. I'm a terrible housekeeper, but avoiding Daddy has led me to clean. I've been a cleaning engine. It's wild! I got up to go to bed last night and started cleaning my bathroom. My daughter said in astonishment, "What are you doing?" She had never experienced seeing her Mom clean just to clean. No company coming. No reason. Just to clean. Miracles never cease! Wild!

Daddy has started wandering. That is a grave concern to me. What if he goes out into the garage at night and I don't hear him? He would smother. So far, he just wanders into my bedroom about 1:30am looking for Momma. Wild! He asks me to get up and help her because he hears her screaming. Can't explain to him that she's not screaming where she is.

Got a call this morning. My Gramma (102 8/12's) is in the hospital getting potassium and blood transfusions. What are these people thinking? She's tired. She has no idea where she is. She hurts from arthritis. She has to wear a diaper for Pete's sake. Why don't they let her go peacefully? Wild!

I know this book has satan's ire up. My friend, Hope, told me to watch out because he would be angry at the things I'm writing in this book. He is after me with all he's got. No holds barred. Every one of my weaknesses are being attacked. The self-doubt, the fear, the confusion, my marriage--all of it. An attack on every single weakness. I can't think of one that is not under attack.

I will get this book finished. I will get it out there. I will find a publisher. God has sent me on this mission and I will fight for it to the finish! I am in the King's army and I am a soldier of the Cross. He will give me strength. I will endure. I am His and He is mine and together will we scale this mountain--a difficult climb! Wild!