Today was the day. We closed on the house, we have the check and that's it. Over. That chapter is closed for good and a whole new chapter has been started. I don't think I ever want to read this book again, though. Been a tough two days.
I am okay. I haven't written for a couple of days because I've been so busy. The folks buying the house discovered the garbage disposal didn't work--had to replace it--today. I gave the freezer-a monstrosity--to some neighbors for their church. Trying to get it out of the room it was in was--well--an experience. Momma and Daddy must have built the house around the freezer.
The auction people left a disastrous mess in the house in every room. I got there this morning at 7:00am and I left at 4:00pm--cleaning up their mess. And after they promised everything would be gone I had to go back through Momma's stuff 'cause they left a ton of it.
Why, Father, why? Why must we experience such pain? Why must we go through such hurtful wrenching away? I lay awake at night thinking I don't ever want to love anyone again. It's too painful. Death is a bitter pill to swallow.
Tell me, Child.
I am. I'm telling You I don't like it. It makes me so sad. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm tired. It wasn't supposed to be this way!
How was it supposed to be?
I was supposed to die first. That was the way everyone thought it would be.
Not me.
But why didn't You prepare me?
So you would worry?
No, so I would be ready.
You can never be ready for Death. It has its own sting.
Lord, I'm angry. I feel guilty. I feel alone.
Be angry at Sin. Guilty? You did not decide your Momma's last breath--that was Me. You are never alone.
Then why have You let go of me? I know You're there, but I can't feel Your hands around me anymore, holding me. Why have You let go? This is when I need You most!
You're teetering, Child, because you haven't fully developed those muscles. You are building strength you never would have known. Your faith is much deeper now. You rely on Me more than even you recognize. It's become your nature. That is the intent.
You can relax. Feel your feet beneath you. Don't struggle so much. I will not let you fall. I have you. You can trust Me.
How can I know?
Because I tell you. Recall the scriptures you have so diligently placed in your heart. Remember the love I have for you. My plans are to prosper you not to harm you. My love endures forever. I sing over, Child, why would I want to harm you?
But why, why does it hurt so much? Why does it have to be this way?
My ways are not your ways. My thoughts are not your thoughts. There are some mysteries that cannot be revealed to you now. Today you see in part, one day, you will see the whole. Until that time, trust Me. Don't look to the left. Don't look to the right. Look straight into my face, Dear One, and there you will find Comfort.
Close your eyes now and rest your weary head. Give Me the burden to carry. Here, Mine is light...that's it, sleep, Child, I'm watching. I have your heart in
My hands. I will heal it. I will mend it. You were meant to love.
Rest now and in the morning, My mercies will be new and you will be free to love again.
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10 comments:
Princess, now I know why I have been praying for you and why you have been on my heart...
someone very dear to my heart...my first real love, my daughters daddy, died when i was six months pregnant, I have had the same converstations with God, and you have written absolute truth, and have captured the feeling in words...I cry with you...love you sweetheart...and yesh I have loved again...and HE is awesome and pushy about it...but you know when I try I again, it seems i hear HIS laugh and smile.."I told you, you are going to love this!'
Sleep well Princess..princess to princess....<3
Thank you for understanding, Darla. I wasn't sure how this was going to read. It was my heart out on a platter today. I love you, too, Princess. You are so special.
Sweet Jesus, I come to you right now to ask you to wrap your strong arms around my new friend. I have been where she is walking right now - it is just not a good place to be. The pain is sometimes more than we can bear - so we ask that You bear it with us, knowing that You will! The pain of letting go, and moving into a different role as a child hurts too much. It is so difficult to be a child, but so much more so when we become the parent and the parent becomes the child. Help us learn to be the parent to our parents with grace, patience and love. Give my friend rest this evening and renewed faith and energy in the morning. Thank you Jesus - good night, Kathy
You have been heavy on my heart too. I feel God has been telling me to pray for you although I did not know what I was praying for. He is so good to us isn't He? I know you haven't known me long but I feel as if you have been brought into my life for a reason and though I may not have the right words to say I can pray and that is the best thing we can do for one another. Thank you for pouring out your heart and allowing me to share with you and your grief. I lost my Mother in 1998 and we moved my Dad in his new house in 2004. The story of the freezer made me laugh because we too had to dig out a freezer out of the storage room closet in their garage that definately was built around it! LOL Even though my mother has been gone almost ten years it can still feel as painful as if it happened just yesterday but God is always there and I have similiar conversations with Him like you just described. Thank you again for being such a sweet siesta. I will continue to pray for you.
I will keep you in my prayers...and although is doesn't sound like much...its huge. Our awesome Father is King of the universe and its creator..
I have spent endless hours trying to visualize HIS face, and trying to waltz with HIM while tears ran down my face, and honestly HE becomes so real and the healing begins...maybe it will be the same for you. Love you Princess
Mmmm I needed those words, Sister. Thank you for pouring out your heart and letting us in on your conversation with God. Big hugs to you, and praying that you feel HIS arms around you tighter than ever.
Hear Him saying, "Because you are precious, and honored in My sight, and I love you." (Isa. 43)
"let's talk about Jesus"...wanting so much for you to come back and post how you are...You are HIS princess, and my sister in Christ, and I am lifting you to a God who hears, and who is thrilled to hear from us. I know HE is doing something on your behalf...HE loves you soooooo!
Darla:
Keep praying. I know God loves me, but I'm going through a difficult time right now. Some days I just can't bring myself to post.
There are things I haven't brought to the board yet that are going on in my life. They're just too complicated and too painful to talk to anyone about--except God, but I do covet those prayers.
I love you guys, too. You mean a lot to me and you all are very special.
checking in on my "jesusgirl" friend! letting you know I haven't gone away or forgotten you in cyberspace...still praying for you, and your family.
Princess to Princess!!
((((((Jesus Girl))))))
I am praying for you. The Holy Spirit knows what I should pray so we are in good hands!
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