Sorry! I've been so immersed in book editing and Daddy sitting I haven't been doing much else. I'm home now, but next Wednesday the whirlwind begins again. I leave for Richmond Wednesday, mid-morning. Thursday I head to Charlotte. Come home Saturday. Leave for Pennsylvania Monday and I really don't know when I'll be home. Daddy will be with my brother all that time.
My personal life--I don't know what's happening to me. I'm changing. I can't keep up with who I am and what I'm becoming. I just know my personality is changing like it should have during puberty and never did. I'm irritable and I have never been that way. I have extreme highs and lows--worse than what is normal for me. My sensitivity is off the scale.
I've fallen in love with the most wonderful man and I seem to sabotage the relationship at every turn, almost like I'm trying to make him see reasons NOT to love me. I do things I know are going to make him get mad at me. Then we have to be apart for a few weeks so we can regroup and that is utter misery. I get lonely, depressed and even more sensitive and irritable.
I've started having panic attacks. I break out in massive sweats, my heart pounds, and I feel like I'm suffocating. I've al;ways been strong and in control. This is not like me. I miss my Mom worse now than I did when she first died. I cry more, too. Daddy misses her, too. he's becoming more and more wound into his own world. The pressure of explaining to him for the fortieth time who I am is beginning to wear thin. I want him to know me. I want him to recognize me. I want him to eat the food I prepare for him instread of telling me he'd rather have a cheeseburger from McDonalds.
The two years I have to prepare for my life as a single woman are slipping away quickly. I have no job. My book is not finished, much less published and my brother told me the other day I wouldn't be able to live on the inheritance from Daddy so I may have to consider staying in this awful marriage and moving from this city I love. I think I'll explode if I have to do that!
My dear siesta, Kathy asked, "Where are you?" Frankly, I don't know and I'm not sure I care. God's keeping up with me because I am incapable--more so than ever before. That's a good thing.
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About Me
- Jesus Girl
- Nuts! If you ask any of my friends , "Who's the nuttiest person you know?" Without a doubt they would all name me! Crazy about Jesus! Wild about seeking His face! Zany in love with following hard after Him!
4 comments:
I have missed you too my dear siesta. I will hold you high in my prayers for comfort and strength. It sounds like you are in a pit of depression right now. You have a lot going on with you and you are over-whelmed. You could be going through pre-menopause which can cause mood swings but I am more willing to bet it's all the stress you are under with your marriage and caring for your dad. Love you and more importantly God loves you.
Donna
Hello friend - check your email...love, K
I've been in an overwhelmed place, too. It's hard to let go of all the things we feel responsible for. Try to let others help you, dear siesta. I am praying God will send His love and aide.
Kathy
Oh siesta, I'm sorry you're dealing with so much all at once. I don't know the details of your circumstances, but I pray that God will protect and guide you. He is holding your hand every step of the way. Entrust yourself to Him, and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I love you! ((((hugs))))
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