10/29/2007

Checking In

Had a wonderfully refreshing time at the Women of Faith conference. God swooped down in His inimitable style and made the sessions speak directly to my heart. Dr. Henry Cloud was awesome. He is so gentle, but his truths were like little explosions going off in my head. I found myself saying over and over, "Yes, that's me!" I bought his books about dreams, which he taught from for the conference and the DVDs, which I never do. Can't wait to delve back into what he said.

Had to postpone PA for a day. My medicine didn't come in so I have to wait til Tuesday to leave. Probably not a bad thing. I was very sick Sunday to Tuesday, travelled all day Wednesday and Thursday, came home late Saturday night so I probably needed a little rest.

My brother sounded weary on the phone last night even though he's only had Daddy since Wednesday. He told me I needed to come for him Friday which means I'll be cutting my trip to PA short and ensures that I really do have to come back home and not runaway for good.

Gotta go. Just wanted to take a minute to say, "Hi." Off to wash clothes and re-pack. Thanks for all the love and support. I can use all you can spare!

10/17/2007

Where Are You?

Sorry! I've been so immersed in book editing and Daddy sitting I haven't been doing much else. I'm home now, but next Wednesday the whirlwind begins again. I leave for Richmond Wednesday, mid-morning. Thursday I head to Charlotte. Come home Saturday. Leave for Pennsylvania Monday and I really don't know when I'll be home. Daddy will be with my brother all that time.

My personal life--I don't know what's happening to me. I'm changing. I can't keep up with who I am and what I'm becoming. I just know my personality is changing like it should have during puberty and never did. I'm irritable and I have never been that way. I have extreme highs and lows--worse than what is normal for me. My sensitivity is off the scale.

I've fallen in love with the most wonderful man and I seem to sabotage the relationship at every turn, almost like I'm trying to make him see reasons NOT to love me. I do things I know are going to make him get mad at me. Then we have to be apart for a few weeks so we can regroup and that is utter misery. I get lonely, depressed and even more sensitive and irritable.

I've started having panic attacks. I break out in massive sweats, my heart pounds, and I feel like I'm suffocating. I've al;ways been strong and in control. This is not like me. I miss my Mom worse now than I did when she first died. I cry more, too. Daddy misses her, too. he's becoming more and more wound into his own world. The pressure of explaining to him for the fortieth time who I am is beginning to wear thin. I want him to know me. I want him to recognize me. I want him to eat the food I prepare for him instread of telling me he'd rather have a cheeseburger from McDonalds.

The two years I have to prepare for my life as a single woman are slipping away quickly. I have no job. My book is not finished, much less published and my brother told me the other day I wouldn't be able to live on the inheritance from Daddy so I may have to consider staying in this awful marriage and moving from this city I love. I think I'll explode if I have to do that!

My dear siesta, Kathy asked, "Where are you?" Frankly, I don't know and I'm not sure I care. God's keeping up with me because I am incapable--more so than ever before. That's a good thing.

10/08/2007

The Son Shines Through

So excited! Headed for The Cove for my bi-annual rest-and-relaxation-in-the-mountains-retreat. I'm off to hear Joe Stowell, a wonderful speaker and writer. PLUS, I'll be staying some extra days to work on the editing of the book and just be by myself.

Daddy will be with my brother. Last night he said he wanted to stay at home and wait for me. O course, that's out of the question. He said, "What if you don't come back? How will I get back here?" I didn't have the heart to tell him if the Lord decided to take me home, he would have to live with my brother. I said, "Daddy, you know as well as I do the Lord is going to take care of me." He was satisfied with that--I think.

When I come home, I'll have dinner with my best friend and the next day I'm off to the State Fair and the Mercy Me concert. I'm looking forward to that, as well. I've seen them in concert several times. They are awesome. If you're not familiar with their music, you should get a CD. Your life will never be the same.

Our church is still without a pastor and young folks are leaving by the droves. Those of us left have to fill in the gaps. I'm now on the Preschool committee (not my real love in life) and chairman of the publicity committee and I've been asked to be narrator of our Christmas production (again, out of my comfort zone)--these are new positions added to the ones I'm already on. God has something in store for our church. I have no idea what, but we're all being worked very hard.

Out on the ocean yesterday. The fall makes everything look different even though it was 90 degrees yesterday. You could see the humidty because of the sun's angle. Same with our lives. The Son's angle reveals the particles of our lives that make it hard to breathe and live. They're always there, we just can't see them unless the Light shines just right--and we're willing to look.

Then, the sun shone on the water and it was like millions of diamonds sparkling and shimmering in the fall light. Again, the Son can make the most simple of people, nothing seems to be special about them, and turn them into sparkling diamonds, bringing beauty to the mundane. Awesome!

It's so good to hear from you all again. I love each of you and I cannot wait to meet face-to-face someday. Gotta go get ready for this next adventure. Pray for me as I go today. I know you will.