Okay, Girls, God is using me once again to minister through my past mistakes which have led to current hurts. This time it is through my marriage experiences. I have prayed for this for years and now--my prayers are becoming reality.
My marriage has been loveless and one of convenience. I stay in it because I need the finances. My husband stays because he doesn't want to lose finances through divorce. He is not a Christian. He has been physically , verbally and emotionally abusive our entire marriage. The physical abuse stopped when he got too old to throw me to the floor. The verbal and emotional stuff still continues, but God has buffered my heart to the jabs. I no longer let him drill holes into my heart where self-esteem escaped like steam from a boiling pot.
Anyway, two dear friends of mine are having marital difficulty. They each have opened up to me and confided to me things about their spouses and their marriage they haven't told others or each other. It's amazing to me how they think they don't know each other very well, yet they have both been on-the-nose about how the other acts. Neither has much empathy for the others' reactions, though. I've been asking God to show me how to help them. I believe their marriage is salvageable. Yesterday, I talked to the female portion of the marriage for over three hours--a lot of it was about her marriage which just celebrated its 35th year. She talked and I took mental notes.
The Holy Spirit prompted me to ask her about doing a Bible study together. She said, "Great." I asked her which one. She had no clue so I suggested Beth Moore's Breaking Free. She said, "Fine." I asked, "When." Again she was speechless so I suggested tomorrow (which is today). She agreed! Awesome. I'm taking two study books with me over to her house today at 11:00am and we are going to embark on this study together. I'm so excited God is using me this way. I'm bursting at the seams.
This woman has a lot of bitterness and apathy, but she's given herself over to God. Now her softening heart is receiving words from Him to let go of her grip on her marriage and to take hold of Him with a firm grip. She's working on it. She's ripe for this study, open to change. Pray for us, Siestas, as we embark on this spiritual journey. I have done this study before, but it certainly won't hurt to rekindle the truths found within the pages.
Now it is becoming crystal clear why I wasn't to direct the Christmas drama. I thought it had everything to do with the book, but that was only a small portion. There is a drama that has been thrown into my lap and it wasn't created out of someone's mind as a work of fiction to be performed. It is real, the characters are real and the ending is yet to be written.
8/13/2007
8/11/2007
Final Jeopardy!
Well, I guess you don't live 102 1/2 years to give up when everyone else expects you to. My Gramma was expected to die Thursday. They called all the family in to say their last good-byes, but her stubborn will and tenacity have precluded death. Gramma is taking morphine and nothing else. She has two infections, one in her mouth and the other of unknown origin yet she lives. Everyone keeps asking what God has in mind when He lets her live in such a painful, miserable state. Another question that won't be answered until we see Him face-to-face. I keep thinking, "Children obey your parents so that you may live long in the land." She must have been an extremely obedient child!
Daddy is status quo. He is eating, sitting in his chair and when I come to my study to write, he peeps his head in the door to see if I'm here. That's the only time he gets up which is funny because that's the only time I ask everyone to leave me in solitude.
I've made a big decision that left me sad, but clearly God has led me to make. I direct the church's Christmas drama every year. This week, about two weeks later than usual, I went in to look over the musicals to see which one I would do. This year, I am not to direct. I am to focus all my energy on my Daddy and getting this book published. It's sad because I enjoy it and the community expects it, but right now there is a bigger task at hand. The drama takes a lot out of me. I've ended up in the hospital twice while directing and I usually lose about 10-12 pounds. Plus, when I direct, I can focus on nothing else. My book would have to lay dorment until April when I recover and feel creative again. That just can't happen. I'm into the story of the book and I can't afford to lose it. Others in the church will have to draw together and direct, more than likely part of His plan. To show them they can do it.
That said, the book is slowly drawing to a close. The principle characters are in place now for a final showdown of sorts. I'm on page 251 so I better wrap it up soon or I'll have a War and Peace on my hands. I pumped out about twenty pages today. Thank You, Lord!
Seeking, searching, discovering, coming up empty, starting over, broken hearts, sorrow, excitement, joy, peace, confusion, disappointment, relief, laughter, tears, grief, loss, rest, mountain-tops, valleys and ravines--What are the emotions in the day and life of Jesus Girl!
Well, time to get Daddy his bath. He reminds me of a cat not wanting to get wet.
I love you guys and I cannot begin to express how deeply the comments and encouragement you give mean to me. My heart skips a beat when I see I have a comment from one of you. A special love and warmth to K, my new soul mate and confidante. Love to you, Siesta!
Daddy is status quo. He is eating, sitting in his chair and when I come to my study to write, he peeps his head in the door to see if I'm here. That's the only time he gets up which is funny because that's the only time I ask everyone to leave me in solitude.
I've made a big decision that left me sad, but clearly God has led me to make. I direct the church's Christmas drama every year. This week, about two weeks later than usual, I went in to look over the musicals to see which one I would do. This year, I am not to direct. I am to focus all my energy on my Daddy and getting this book published. It's sad because I enjoy it and the community expects it, but right now there is a bigger task at hand. The drama takes a lot out of me. I've ended up in the hospital twice while directing and I usually lose about 10-12 pounds. Plus, when I direct, I can focus on nothing else. My book would have to lay dorment until April when I recover and feel creative again. That just can't happen. I'm into the story of the book and I can't afford to lose it. Others in the church will have to draw together and direct, more than likely part of His plan. To show them they can do it.
That said, the book is slowly drawing to a close. The principle characters are in place now for a final showdown of sorts. I'm on page 251 so I better wrap it up soon or I'll have a War and Peace on my hands. I pumped out about twenty pages today. Thank You, Lord!
Seeking, searching, discovering, coming up empty, starting over, broken hearts, sorrow, excitement, joy, peace, confusion, disappointment, relief, laughter, tears, grief, loss, rest, mountain-tops, valleys and ravines--What are the emotions in the day and life of Jesus Girl!
Well, time to get Daddy his bath. He reminds me of a cat not wanting to get wet.
I love you guys and I cannot begin to express how deeply the comments and encouragement you give mean to me. My heart skips a beat when I see I have a comment from one of you. A special love and warmth to K, my new soul mate and confidante. Love to you, Siesta!
8/09/2007
A Glimpse into the Known
You have to watch this little girl! Amazing! And the little childern shall lead them.
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=9e7c4b40cf5a13cea6ca
Gotta call from my Momma's brother tonight. My Gramma is very sick in the hospital. They aren't expecting her to live more than a day or two. She'll be united with her husband and four children, including my Momma. It's been a good 102 years for her. I know she's ready to go home, though.
Tonight while sitting with Daddy in the den trying to watch a little TV he started telling me about how he met his wife (my Momma). Then my husband walked through and my Daddy asked, "How old did you say your Grandaddy is?" He was talking about my husband. Sometimes living with Daddy is such a hoot! He makes me laugh so hard! He laughed with me even though he didn't know why he was laughing which of course made me laugh harder! It's times like these that remind me why and how I can face another day. I saw some of my real Daddy in those eyes tonight. I made hamburgers and corn on the cob. He ate every bite, plus chips. Bravo!
Where does the mind wander off to? What makes it leave the reality of this life for someplace else? Have your experiences and the people you came to know been such disappointments to you that you decided to let them go for your own version of truth or did some interloper barge in, uninvited to steal your senses, confounding you? What takes away the simplicity of remembering the things you were good at? What is it that blocks the way for you to add and subtract simple numbers when math was your best subject? Now? Now you have a hard time knowing the difference between five dollars and five thousand.
Yet tucked away in the recesses of gray matter, particles float in and out of the realm of your grasp. A bit of history. Your wife, whose name you can no longer remember, but you know exactly where you were when you met. My Gramma you know was a good woman, but you don't remember going to visit with her a few weeks ago. What a bizarre design on this puzzle.
I love you, Daddy and I miss you most days. It was good to visit with you today. It was good to see you through those windows to the soul and know somewhere deep in the abyss my Daddy still exist.
Thank You, Lord, for the opportunity. What a sweet balm to my worn soul. You always do know best. You?...well, no words can give justice to Your goodness, so I'll just say, "Good night and thank You."
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=9e7c4b40cf5a13cea6ca
Gotta call from my Momma's brother tonight. My Gramma is very sick in the hospital. They aren't expecting her to live more than a day or two. She'll be united with her husband and four children, including my Momma. It's been a good 102 years for her. I know she's ready to go home, though.
Tonight while sitting with Daddy in the den trying to watch a little TV he started telling me about how he met his wife (my Momma). Then my husband walked through and my Daddy asked, "How old did you say your Grandaddy is?" He was talking about my husband. Sometimes living with Daddy is such a hoot! He makes me laugh so hard! He laughed with me even though he didn't know why he was laughing which of course made me laugh harder! It's times like these that remind me why and how I can face another day. I saw some of my real Daddy in those eyes tonight. I made hamburgers and corn on the cob. He ate every bite, plus chips. Bravo!
Where does the mind wander off to? What makes it leave the reality of this life for someplace else? Have your experiences and the people you came to know been such disappointments to you that you decided to let them go for your own version of truth or did some interloper barge in, uninvited to steal your senses, confounding you? What takes away the simplicity of remembering the things you were good at? What is it that blocks the way for you to add and subtract simple numbers when math was your best subject? Now? Now you have a hard time knowing the difference between five dollars and five thousand.
Yet tucked away in the recesses of gray matter, particles float in and out of the realm of your grasp. A bit of history. Your wife, whose name you can no longer remember, but you know exactly where you were when you met. My Gramma you know was a good woman, but you don't remember going to visit with her a few weeks ago. What a bizarre design on this puzzle.
I love you, Daddy and I miss you most days. It was good to visit with you today. It was good to see you through those windows to the soul and know somewhere deep in the abyss my Daddy still exist.
Thank You, Lord, for the opportunity. What a sweet balm to my worn soul. You always do know best. You?...well, no words can give justice to Your goodness, so I'll just say, "Good night and thank You."
8/08/2007
Wild!
My husband says I've changed since my Daddy moved in and I guess he's right. I know I'm much quieter now. I'm not so wide-eyed and innocent. Taking care of Daddy is stripping that part of me away. It's taken me awhile to finally grow up. I suppose it happens to the best of us. I kinda like being Peter Pan, though. I'm gonna miss that portion of me. It's something I can never get back, never go to again. Like when you find out for the first time there really is no Santa Claus. Hard as you try to still believe, you just can't. Bye, Peter.
Other, more trivial things, are taking some adjustment, too. Daddy has a tendency to tell me what to do, scold me for going to the movie all the time, turn off the TV because he doesn't want to watch "that junk" even though me or my daughter or both of us might me in the room watching said "junk," show me how to rinse out the dishes before loading them into the dishwasher (I've been married for 17 years!), discipline my sixteen year old human child and my three dog children--they are now leary of his every move, etc.
The little girl in me winces when he scolds, bows down in obedience at his commands, does as told without question, however, the married adult, mother of one resents the intrusion. My home is MY home. I don't need a stranger-and he is a stranger- coming in to tell me how to run things.
And, at the same time he's telling me about what I'm doing wrong, he needs help getting dressed after a shower (which I have to insist he take), he has to be reminded when to eat, reminded that he likes hamburgers, explain what a hamburger is, he has to be shown which way to bed and bath, he has to have the phone answered for him, his checkbook is now my responsibility, and told twenty times a day what my Momma's name was. It's wild!
I'm anxious, too, because I haven't heard back from the publisher. My writing has come to a stand-still. I sat down to the computer last week and it was awful. I didn't know the style of that person's writing at all. I haven't had the urge to try anymore. Even blogging has become stifled and hard.
I just flat out miss my Mom. I called her about everything and now I don't have her. And, to be honest, Daddy being here is a moment-by-moment reminder that she's gone. I would've gone over to talk out my feelings of rejection and discouragement where the book is concerned. She would have talked me through it. Daddy would not have been an issue. In fact, I would have been talking her through some of what she expeerienced with him. Peter. Where is Peter when I need him? I need to fly away to Never Land.
My house is clean though. I'm a terrible housekeeper, but avoiding Daddy has led me to clean. I've been a cleaning engine. It's wild! I got up to go to bed last night and started cleaning my bathroom. My daughter said in astonishment, "What are you doing?" She had never experienced seeing her Mom clean just to clean. No company coming. No reason. Just to clean. Miracles never cease! Wild!
Daddy has started wandering. That is a grave concern to me. What if he goes out into the garage at night and I don't hear him? He would smother. So far, he just wanders into my bedroom about 1:30am looking for Momma. Wild! He asks me to get up and help her because he hears her screaming. Can't explain to him that she's not screaming where she is.
Got a call this morning. My Gramma (102 8/12's) is in the hospital getting potassium and blood transfusions. What are these people thinking? She's tired. She has no idea where she is. She hurts from arthritis. She has to wear a diaper for Pete's sake. Why don't they let her go peacefully? Wild!
I know this book has satan's ire up. My friend, Hope, told me to watch out because he would be angry at the things I'm writing in this book. He is after me with all he's got. No holds barred. Every one of my weaknesses are being attacked. The self-doubt, the fear, the confusion, my marriage--all of it. An attack on every single weakness. I can't think of one that is not under attack.
I will get this book finished. I will get it out there. I will find a publisher. God has sent me on this mission and I will fight for it to the finish! I am in the King's army and I am a soldier of the Cross. He will give me strength. I will endure. I am His and He is mine and together will we scale this mountain--a difficult climb! Wild!
Other, more trivial things, are taking some adjustment, too. Daddy has a tendency to tell me what to do, scold me for going to the movie all the time, turn off the TV because he doesn't want to watch "that junk" even though me or my daughter or both of us might me in the room watching said "junk," show me how to rinse out the dishes before loading them into the dishwasher (I've been married for 17 years!), discipline my sixteen year old human child and my three dog children--they are now leary of his every move, etc.
The little girl in me winces when he scolds, bows down in obedience at his commands, does as told without question, however, the married adult, mother of one resents the intrusion. My home is MY home. I don't need a stranger-and he is a stranger- coming in to tell me how to run things.
And, at the same time he's telling me about what I'm doing wrong, he needs help getting dressed after a shower (which I have to insist he take), he has to be reminded when to eat, reminded that he likes hamburgers, explain what a hamburger is, he has to be shown which way to bed and bath, he has to have the phone answered for him, his checkbook is now my responsibility, and told twenty times a day what my Momma's name was. It's wild!
I'm anxious, too, because I haven't heard back from the publisher. My writing has come to a stand-still. I sat down to the computer last week and it was awful. I didn't know the style of that person's writing at all. I haven't had the urge to try anymore. Even blogging has become stifled and hard.
I just flat out miss my Mom. I called her about everything and now I don't have her. And, to be honest, Daddy being here is a moment-by-moment reminder that she's gone. I would've gone over to talk out my feelings of rejection and discouragement where the book is concerned. She would have talked me through it. Daddy would not have been an issue. In fact, I would have been talking her through some of what she expeerienced with him. Peter. Where is Peter when I need him? I need to fly away to Never Land.
My house is clean though. I'm a terrible housekeeper, but avoiding Daddy has led me to clean. I've been a cleaning engine. It's wild! I got up to go to bed last night and started cleaning my bathroom. My daughter said in astonishment, "What are you doing?" She had never experienced seeing her Mom clean just to clean. No company coming. No reason. Just to clean. Miracles never cease! Wild!
Daddy has started wandering. That is a grave concern to me. What if he goes out into the garage at night and I don't hear him? He would smother. So far, he just wanders into my bedroom about 1:30am looking for Momma. Wild! He asks me to get up and help her because he hears her screaming. Can't explain to him that she's not screaming where she is.
Got a call this morning. My Gramma (102 8/12's) is in the hospital getting potassium and blood transfusions. What are these people thinking? She's tired. She has no idea where she is. She hurts from arthritis. She has to wear a diaper for Pete's sake. Why don't they let her go peacefully? Wild!
I know this book has satan's ire up. My friend, Hope, told me to watch out because he would be angry at the things I'm writing in this book. He is after me with all he's got. No holds barred. Every one of my weaknesses are being attacked. The self-doubt, the fear, the confusion, my marriage--all of it. An attack on every single weakness. I can't think of one that is not under attack.
I will get this book finished. I will get it out there. I will find a publisher. God has sent me on this mission and I will fight for it to the finish! I am in the King's army and I am a soldier of the Cross. He will give me strength. I will endure. I am His and He is mine and together will we scale this mountain--a difficult climb! Wild!
8/04/2007
Christ Is The Matter
Darkness is nothing more than a place where it's hard to find your way. Thankfully, I don't have to. I have The Way and He can see fine. He is The Light. His beam shines bright through the dismal dark of ebony nothingness showing me the path that at times seems so elusive.
I took my eyes off my Dear Savior and looked instead at my surroundings. What I saw, like Peter, gave me cause for panic. And I took the bait from the fisherman of the deep where people drown and for several days he has been dragging me under.
But in His inimitable style, Christ threw out the life raft and said, "I won't make you get in, but here it is. When you're ready, I'll take you, and this vessel, to safety."
I'm in. Tired, with muscles unable to support me because of the fatigue I got from fighting to keep my head above water, but safe. I'm lying here now letting Him tow me to shore. The burden is His. That's where it belongs. He is where I belong.
Despair is no place for a Christian. People see us there and it hurts our testimony. We are Ambassadors for Christ. The Place of Despair is like any other bar or hangout. It's a place to drown ourselves in self-pity, self-loathing, guilt, sorrow, you name it. And that old cunning sea-dog, satan, he will gladly oblige us, holding our head under water until we fill our lungs with life-ending water.
No matter what befalls me, no matter who tries to hurt me or get me down, no matter what, it is exactly that--No matter! Christ is The Matter. Like a shroud covering my face trying to smother breath out of me, despair tried to take my life and spirit, but my Savior came in with His Sword and ripped the shroud into pieces, giving me a place to push my head through so I could take a deep, long breath of Life.
Thank You, Lord, for my siestas who have diligently lifted my name, my hurts, my life up to You. Thank You for answering them in such a timely manner! You are my All in All.
Thank You, girls, for all the hard work. I know sometimes prayer and burdens for others can be taxing, especially when you have great needs of your own. I love you all. Christ is The Matter that holds us together, Amen? Yes, and Amen!
I took my eyes off my Dear Savior and looked instead at my surroundings. What I saw, like Peter, gave me cause for panic. And I took the bait from the fisherman of the deep where people drown and for several days he has been dragging me under.
But in His inimitable style, Christ threw out the life raft and said, "I won't make you get in, but here it is. When you're ready, I'll take you, and this vessel, to safety."
I'm in. Tired, with muscles unable to support me because of the fatigue I got from fighting to keep my head above water, but safe. I'm lying here now letting Him tow me to shore. The burden is His. That's where it belongs. He is where I belong.
Despair is no place for a Christian. People see us there and it hurts our testimony. We are Ambassadors for Christ. The Place of Despair is like any other bar or hangout. It's a place to drown ourselves in self-pity, self-loathing, guilt, sorrow, you name it. And that old cunning sea-dog, satan, he will gladly oblige us, holding our head under water until we fill our lungs with life-ending water.
No matter what befalls me, no matter who tries to hurt me or get me down, no matter what, it is exactly that--No matter! Christ is The Matter. Like a shroud covering my face trying to smother breath out of me, despair tried to take my life and spirit, but my Savior came in with His Sword and ripped the shroud into pieces, giving me a place to push my head through so I could take a deep, long breath of Life.
Thank You, Lord, for my siestas who have diligently lifted my name, my hurts, my life up to You. Thank You for answering them in such a timely manner! You are my All in All.
Thank You, girls, for all the hard work. I know sometimes prayer and burdens for others can be taxing, especially when you have great needs of your own. I love you all. Christ is The Matter that holds us together, Amen? Yes, and Amen!
7/31/2007
Because He Loves Me, I Love, Too
Today was the day. We closed on the house, we have the check and that's it. Over. That chapter is closed for good and a whole new chapter has been started. I don't think I ever want to read this book again, though. Been a tough two days.
I am okay. I haven't written for a couple of days because I've been so busy. The folks buying the house discovered the garbage disposal didn't work--had to replace it--today. I gave the freezer-a monstrosity--to some neighbors for their church. Trying to get it out of the room it was in was--well--an experience. Momma and Daddy must have built the house around the freezer.
The auction people left a disastrous mess in the house in every room. I got there this morning at 7:00am and I left at 4:00pm--cleaning up their mess. And after they promised everything would be gone I had to go back through Momma's stuff 'cause they left a ton of it.
Why, Father, why? Why must we experience such pain? Why must we go through such hurtful wrenching away? I lay awake at night thinking I don't ever want to love anyone again. It's too painful. Death is a bitter pill to swallow.
Tell me, Child.
I am. I'm telling You I don't like it. It makes me so sad. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm tired. It wasn't supposed to be this way!
How was it supposed to be?
I was supposed to die first. That was the way everyone thought it would be.
Not me.
But why didn't You prepare me?
So you would worry?
No, so I would be ready.
You can never be ready for Death. It has its own sting.
Lord, I'm angry. I feel guilty. I feel alone.
Be angry at Sin. Guilty? You did not decide your Momma's last breath--that was Me. You are never alone.
Then why have You let go of me? I know You're there, but I can't feel Your hands around me anymore, holding me. Why have You let go? This is when I need You most!
You're teetering, Child, because you haven't fully developed those muscles. You are building strength you never would have known. Your faith is much deeper now. You rely on Me more than even you recognize. It's become your nature. That is the intent.
You can relax. Feel your feet beneath you. Don't struggle so much. I will not let you fall. I have you. You can trust Me.
How can I know?
Because I tell you. Recall the scriptures you have so diligently placed in your heart. Remember the love I have for you. My plans are to prosper you not to harm you. My love endures forever. I sing over, Child, why would I want to harm you?
But why, why does it hurt so much? Why does it have to be this way?
My ways are not your ways. My thoughts are not your thoughts. There are some mysteries that cannot be revealed to you now. Today you see in part, one day, you will see the whole. Until that time, trust Me. Don't look to the left. Don't look to the right. Look straight into my face, Dear One, and there you will find Comfort.
Close your eyes now and rest your weary head. Give Me the burden to carry. Here, Mine is light...that's it, sleep, Child, I'm watching. I have your heart in
My hands. I will heal it. I will mend it. You were meant to love.
Rest now and in the morning, My mercies will be new and you will be free to love again.
I am okay. I haven't written for a couple of days because I've been so busy. The folks buying the house discovered the garbage disposal didn't work--had to replace it--today. I gave the freezer-a monstrosity--to some neighbors for their church. Trying to get it out of the room it was in was--well--an experience. Momma and Daddy must have built the house around the freezer.
The auction people left a disastrous mess in the house in every room. I got there this morning at 7:00am and I left at 4:00pm--cleaning up their mess. And after they promised everything would be gone I had to go back through Momma's stuff 'cause they left a ton of it.
Why, Father, why? Why must we experience such pain? Why must we go through such hurtful wrenching away? I lay awake at night thinking I don't ever want to love anyone again. It's too painful. Death is a bitter pill to swallow.
Tell me, Child.
I am. I'm telling You I don't like it. It makes me so sad. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm tired. It wasn't supposed to be this way!
How was it supposed to be?
I was supposed to die first. That was the way everyone thought it would be.
Not me.
But why didn't You prepare me?
So you would worry?
No, so I would be ready.
You can never be ready for Death. It has its own sting.
Lord, I'm angry. I feel guilty. I feel alone.
Be angry at Sin. Guilty? You did not decide your Momma's last breath--that was Me. You are never alone.
Then why have You let go of me? I know You're there, but I can't feel Your hands around me anymore, holding me. Why have You let go? This is when I need You most!
You're teetering, Child, because you haven't fully developed those muscles. You are building strength you never would have known. Your faith is much deeper now. You rely on Me more than even you recognize. It's become your nature. That is the intent.
You can relax. Feel your feet beneath you. Don't struggle so much. I will not let you fall. I have you. You can trust Me.
How can I know?
Because I tell you. Recall the scriptures you have so diligently placed in your heart. Remember the love I have for you. My plans are to prosper you not to harm you. My love endures forever. I sing over, Child, why would I want to harm you?
But why, why does it hurt so much? Why does it have to be this way?
My ways are not your ways. My thoughts are not your thoughts. There are some mysteries that cannot be revealed to you now. Today you see in part, one day, you will see the whole. Until that time, trust Me. Don't look to the left. Don't look to the right. Look straight into my face, Dear One, and there you will find Comfort.
Close your eyes now and rest your weary head. Give Me the burden to carry. Here, Mine is light...that's it, sleep, Child, I'm watching. I have your heart in
My hands. I will heal it. I will mend it. You were meant to love.
Rest now and in the morning, My mercies will be new and you will be free to love again.
7/27/2007
He Is The Reason
I used to listen to John Denver. I don't know if he wrote this song, but he sang it on one of his albums--yes, the vinyl kind!
"Some days are diamonds, some days are stone. Sometimes the hard life won't leave me alone. Sometimes a cold wind blows a chill in my bones. Well, some days are diamonds and some days are stone."
There are seasons of our life that are just so much harder to take than others. Before my Momma moved to Heaven, I didn't have an easy life (who does?), but it was nothing compared to now. I left Momma on March 22, a Thursday, I said, "I'll be back." Should never have said that. Should have gone back. I got home, she was doing relative well when I left, and I was exhausted. It was my ninth day of staying from 7 in the morning until 9 at night. I was looking after Daddy, running him back and forth to the hospital--I didn't go back.
At 7:05am Friday morning, the doctor called. He said, "Your Momma took a turn for the worse last night."
My reply, "So you had to move her to ICU?"
"No," and you know my head knew what he was going to say and already my heart was beginning to stop, "we tried to revive her, but we weren't successful."
I asked, "What do you mean?" I knew very well what he meant. I guess I just needed to hear him say it.
"Your Mom didn't make it. She passed away about 5:20 this morning."
I dropped the phone, screaming as it clattered to the floor.
My life was turned upside down. One minute I was living in North America, right-side up and the next thing I know, I'm in Australia where even the water goes down the drain the wrong way. Saturday I was in the church office deciding what music I wanted played at my Mom's Celebration Service. I couldn't believe it. Sunday, the day of her service, I had relatives asking me about a trust fund, who was in charge of the money for my Gramma's funeral and what pieces of my Momma's furnishings they would like to have.
Monday my Daddy instructed me to get all of Momma's stuff out, he wanted to sell the house. We started looking at places for him to live, but in the four months since Momma moved, Daddy's failing mind made it impossible for him to move anywhere but a nursing home or in with me. I chose "in with me."
Now, Daddy is here. He sits in his chair all day and he's really no bother at all and, yet, things are different. He likes quiet. We are not a quiet household. I have three toy poodles that are interested in telling me who is outside, which of our neighbors are coming home or leaving, how many squirrels are scampering about in their territory, etc. I have an extremely messy and noisy cockatiel who is enamored with herself so she tells "the bird" in the mirror how pretty she is 450 times a day (okay, I haven't counted, but it's a lot). And, there's me (noisy by default because I'm clumsy), a husband ( a professor who is used to making himself heard over 200 chatty freshmen in an auditorium with no mic) and a sixteen year old (noisy by nature). We're not quiet. I think the harder we try to be quiet, the noisier we get. Nerves. Murphy's Law. Whatever!
And, there's the whole thing of having an extra person in your house. He's no trouble, but he's extra. Kinda like a splinter that doesn't hurt, but it makes your finger feel funny anyway.
Lessons from God. I don't know why I make this connection, but I do. Maybe the Holy Spirit. Maybe just my weirdo way of thinking. Was this how Jesus felt? He loved everyone, He was at home and yet things just weren't right. He was held captive by human skin. He endured crowds and shoving hordes trying to get a closer look, touches and pulls at His garments. He, Who never sleeps, now needed power naps and food to sustain His energy. And, the noise! What must it have been like to move from Heaven's angels singing to the complaining, moaning, bragging, boisterous, crying, wailing, din-imposing lot of human that we are?
So many challenges, but He endured them all for our sakes. He loved us so very much. His world was turned upside down, too. The Cross. NEVER had He lived through such horrific pain and agony, seperation from His Father, such debase nature, sheer and total evil. I shudder to think.
Yes, lives get turned topsy-turvy, and no, this was not the way I would have written the story, but I am not The Creator. I cannot see what roots of value are being watered and grown. I cannot see the depth with which they plunge into the Earth giving me stability. I cannot fathom the testimony I may bring now or in the future to someone else. I cannot imagine the taste of the sweet nectar of the fruit I'll bear from this one trial.
And, Praise Him, I do not traverse this growth spurt alone. God is with me, watering, gently pruning, providing the trellis with which to rest my heavy branches. And, one day, when the time comes, I will look at my Savior's beaming face and listen to Him broadcast throughout the Heavens, "Well done, my good and faithful Servant."
Will it have been worth it? Yes! I say again, "Yes!" He is my all in all. He is the reason I live. He is the reason I serve. He is the reason I love. He is the reason...
"Some days are diamonds, some days are stone. Sometimes the hard life won't leave me alone. Sometimes a cold wind blows a chill in my bones. Well, some days are diamonds and some days are stone."
There are seasons of our life that are just so much harder to take than others. Before my Momma moved to Heaven, I didn't have an easy life (who does?), but it was nothing compared to now. I left Momma on March 22, a Thursday, I said, "I'll be back." Should never have said that. Should have gone back. I got home, she was doing relative well when I left, and I was exhausted. It was my ninth day of staying from 7 in the morning until 9 at night. I was looking after Daddy, running him back and forth to the hospital--I didn't go back.
At 7:05am Friday morning, the doctor called. He said, "Your Momma took a turn for the worse last night."
My reply, "So you had to move her to ICU?"
"No," and you know my head knew what he was going to say and already my heart was beginning to stop, "we tried to revive her, but we weren't successful."
I asked, "What do you mean?" I knew very well what he meant. I guess I just needed to hear him say it.
"Your Mom didn't make it. She passed away about 5:20 this morning."
I dropped the phone, screaming as it clattered to the floor.
My life was turned upside down. One minute I was living in North America, right-side up and the next thing I know, I'm in Australia where even the water goes down the drain the wrong way. Saturday I was in the church office deciding what music I wanted played at my Mom's Celebration Service. I couldn't believe it. Sunday, the day of her service, I had relatives asking me about a trust fund, who was in charge of the money for my Gramma's funeral and what pieces of my Momma's furnishings they would like to have.
Monday my Daddy instructed me to get all of Momma's stuff out, he wanted to sell the house. We started looking at places for him to live, but in the four months since Momma moved, Daddy's failing mind made it impossible for him to move anywhere but a nursing home or in with me. I chose "in with me."
Now, Daddy is here. He sits in his chair all day and he's really no bother at all and, yet, things are different. He likes quiet. We are not a quiet household. I have three toy poodles that are interested in telling me who is outside, which of our neighbors are coming home or leaving, how many squirrels are scampering about in their territory, etc. I have an extremely messy and noisy cockatiel who is enamored with herself so she tells "the bird" in the mirror how pretty she is 450 times a day (okay, I haven't counted, but it's a lot). And, there's me (noisy by default because I'm clumsy), a husband ( a professor who is used to making himself heard over 200 chatty freshmen in an auditorium with no mic) and a sixteen year old (noisy by nature). We're not quiet. I think the harder we try to be quiet, the noisier we get. Nerves. Murphy's Law. Whatever!
And, there's the whole thing of having an extra person in your house. He's no trouble, but he's extra. Kinda like a splinter that doesn't hurt, but it makes your finger feel funny anyway.
Lessons from God. I don't know why I make this connection, but I do. Maybe the Holy Spirit. Maybe just my weirdo way of thinking. Was this how Jesus felt? He loved everyone, He was at home and yet things just weren't right. He was held captive by human skin. He endured crowds and shoving hordes trying to get a closer look, touches and pulls at His garments. He, Who never sleeps, now needed power naps and food to sustain His energy. And, the noise! What must it have been like to move from Heaven's angels singing to the complaining, moaning, bragging, boisterous, crying, wailing, din-imposing lot of human that we are?
So many challenges, but He endured them all for our sakes. He loved us so very much. His world was turned upside down, too. The Cross. NEVER had He lived through such horrific pain and agony, seperation from His Father, such debase nature, sheer and total evil. I shudder to think.
Yes, lives get turned topsy-turvy, and no, this was not the way I would have written the story, but I am not The Creator. I cannot see what roots of value are being watered and grown. I cannot see the depth with which they plunge into the Earth giving me stability. I cannot fathom the testimony I may bring now or in the future to someone else. I cannot imagine the taste of the sweet nectar of the fruit I'll bear from this one trial.
And, Praise Him, I do not traverse this growth spurt alone. God is with me, watering, gently pruning, providing the trellis with which to rest my heavy branches. And, one day, when the time comes, I will look at my Savior's beaming face and listen to Him broadcast throughout the Heavens, "Well done, my good and faithful Servant."
Will it have been worth it? Yes! I say again, "Yes!" He is my all in all. He is the reason I live. He is the reason I serve. He is the reason I love. He is the reason...
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